i wear my heart on my blog.

Reading back through past posts makes something very clear.

I'm a complete idiot.

There in the pages and pages of words I wrote, my heart's intention and true purpose bursts from the page like bold face size 32 font.

"I'm in love with you and too afraid to say it"

Post after post, I can see both the love and the fear thinly veiled in rhymes and song lyrics and colourful phrases.

Post after post of forevers and perfect matches and futures together... and yet nothing said in the real world.  In the place it truly mattered.  Instead, all just typed and filed and posted for the world to see... behind a computer screen.

It feels like people in Japan and Europe and Massachusetts all know of my love for you... and yet, here I am... alone.  Without you.  All because I was too afraid of what might happen when I said it out loud.

Which, in itself, is completely stupid.

I was afraid you would feel the same?  That maybe you could feel as I feel, love me as I love you?

No.  Obviously I was afraid you would not.

Even though it was clear that you would.  That you DID.

Instead of taking the chance of being happy, I guaranteed I would be the opposite.  All so I could be the master of my emotions.

And so... I am an idiot.

An idiot who has now relinquished control with the hope of being happy.  An idiot who just wants to feel how you make me feel.  An idiot who hopes one day, you'll forgive me... and give me a second chance.  A new chance.  A chance I promise not to screw up, or run from, or be afraid.

I'm ready for my future.

And my future is you.

I love you. For always.