life is a hell of a thing to happen to a person...

Ever feel completely and totally lost and like nothing is in your control even though you know it is, and sometimes you just have to make the choices you don't want to, so you don't, but you know you should?






...I haven't.
     ...I was just curious.

 .....

*swoon*

Yeah, that's right, I'm already addicted.

*sigh*

everything I say, I say to me first...

I feel incredibly confined today.  Like, I'm being surrounded on all sides, and all parts of my life are creeping closer and closer until they will inevitably squash me into a square compact version of myself... somewhat like the garbage cubes Rosie made on the Jetsons.

I have an overwhelming desire to run away.  Like, actually disappear into the sunset or something.  I don't know where I'd go or what I'd do, but all I can think of is picking up and taking off and starting over somewhere else.  Sever all ties, y'know?  I'm not really sure what that would solve... but that's the feeling I have today.

I feel like I have this huge circle of people who are my friends, my acquaintances, but none of them feel like my confidant.  The one person you can talk openly to about anything and everything or nothing at all, and not ever have to worry that they're judging you, or care if you sound selfish, if you've talked about something too long in one conversation, or brought it up to many times, not have to worry if you are being "dramatic" or whatever... It makes it really hard to sort through things, get through your thoughts, if you have to worry the whole time that you are saying too much, or boring someone with your problems.  They start to get bigger and bigger the more you try and shove them down inside of you... and then suddenly there they are, crushing you from all sides, turning you into a tiny, condensed version of yourself... completely encasing you in issues that probably shouldn't even be issues, but you've avoided them for so long you've given them power by pretending they don't exist.

I guess I don't even know what my point is.  I feel alone sometimes.  Alone with nothing and no one to keep me company, just the looming, anxiety-based 'walls' that are creeping closer and closer with each passing day...

I heart this song <3

lavarephobia?

I have a very strange need to always use the same stalls in public washrooms.  If I've used that washroom before, chances are I scoped out my "favorite" stall, and from here on out, that's 'my' stall.

I think it stems from a long line of bathroom phobias I've had over the years, including (but not limited to):

• peeing outside:

I cannot do this.  I require an outhouse at the very least, although these scare me too.  It took a long time and an intense love for drinking beer while camping to accept outhouses into my life.

• conversations in washrooms:

I'm PEEING.  Why are you talking to me?!  It's incredibly awkward when the courtesy 'hi, how are you' in the sink area of a washroom picks back up over the walls of the stall.  I'm sitting in a small room so that I can pretend you aren't here!  Why must you ruin the illusion for me by drawing attention to the fact that I can hear everything that goes on in your little room, and therefore the reciprocal is true??

• using other people's washrooms:

My washroom is incredibly sacred to me.  Using other's washrooms is strange for me, and I feel like I can't touch anything... not because I expect people not to touch anything in mine, just because I feel like I'm violating a private space.

• foreign washrooms containing things such as hoses instead of toilet paper, or holes instead of toilets:

I don't think I need to elaborate here...

• single room public washrooms:

you know the ones... like in Safeway for example.  An enormous room with a toilet and a sink in the far corner, and you're never sure the door is ACTUALLY locked, but it's too far to hold shut with your free hand like you would in a stall with a broken lock, and the floor is always wet.

There were people in both of 'my' stalls at work today when I went to pee.

I held it.

leo/virgo cusp.

Being on the cusp of 2 astrological signs can get a little confusing.

For example, I am quite thankful I read yesterday's horoscope today, or else it may have thrown me into an infinite loop of total confusion...

Leo:

If you are going to be forceful, if you are going to get tough, then in might as well be today.  You'll do whatever it takes to get your way - and then some.

Virgo:

Try not to be too pushy today.  You could easily go over the top.  If people seem to be avoiding you it could be because the are scared of you.

Holy conflicting predictions!  How would I know what to do?!  How can you be forceful (but not too forceful), and get your way (but don't scare people)??

At least today's are saying pretty much the same thing:

Leo:

You may not take kindly to disagreement - and why should you when you are right and others are wrong? - but it will pay to be a bit more tolerant today.

Virgo:

You should find it a lot easier to understand opposing viewpoints today.  That doesn't mean you will agree with them though.

*phew* thank goodness!

It's a good thing I don't believe in horoscopes.

shira will end me.

So I just had to take my car in.  The brakes were definitely not performing, so I figured I'd drop her off at the brake place while I got my massage 4 blocks away.

Well thank goodness I chose to simultaneously have a massage, because the initial quote was $1500.

$1500!!!  That's more than one of my paycheques!  Good lord.  Thank goodness for the mint oil, or I would be nowhere near as zen right now.

Finally we narrowed it down to the stuff that was necessary for me to safely drive home.  Safely drive home!  My car is out to get me, for real.  If she doesn't kill me in a spectacular mechanical failure, it'll be with a heart attack at the amount of money she squeezes out of my poor credit card.

*sigh*

Anyone want to sell me a car for free? (haha)

i get by with a little help...

I am happy today.

I'm not sure why that is, or if there even is a cause, but I am happy.  I've been productive, positive, peppy, and some more awesome 'P' words all day!

I wish I felt like this every day... if only I knew what was put in my coffee this morning.

I am working on getting registered for classes this week for my upcoming return to university in September, and as exciting as it is, it's also a little bit scary.  It's like, my entire future knowledge base is up to me now, even though I couldn't be trusted with that for the first 12 years of schooling, and I don't feel I was given any tutorials on how to do it now... Obviously I would love to just take the most random and interesting things, but I somehow have a feeling that would be missing the point.

But what IS the point???

*sigh*

I've created/nurtured some fantastic relationships in the past few weeks, and am feeling pretty fantastic about that.  As uncertain and scary as this whole school thing is, the knowledge that I have such amazing people around me is like a security blanket.  Like, even if I "do it wrong" (which is what it feels like), these people will all be here to laugh with me, tease me for my mistakes (kindheartedly, of course) and then help me on to the next step.

Things always seem a little less scary when you have someone to share it with. <3

**ps** Abbey is perfect and lovely.

**pps** .......She told me to say that.

abbey adores me.

Even if she tries to tell you otherwise.  It's not true.