.my missing.

I see you sleeping only in my mind
I have been away alone this season
I waste so much time
Thinking of when I would hold you gently
And I'd look into your eyes
And I would be the one to calm your shaking
When you would cry

I miss you in my life

You hide your answers within every smile
Time and time again I'd lose my chances
To reconcile
Even if I had my time over
It would take a while
To reveal all my best intentions
That I let slip by

I miss you in my life.

.sigh.

I've been trying to do it right
I've been living a lonely life
I've been sleeping here instead
I've been sleeping in my bed
So show me family
All the blood that I would bleed
I don't know where I belong
I don't know where I went wrong
But I can write a song

I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart
I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweet

I don't think you're right for her
Look at what it might have been if you
Took a bus to China Town
I'd be standing on Canal and Bowery
You should be standing next to me

I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart
I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart

Love ‒ we need it now
Let's hope for some
So, we're bleeding out

I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart
I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweet

.i wish.

I wish I was a photograph 
tucked into the corners of your wallet
 I wish I was a photograph 
you carried like a future in your pocket 
I wish I was that face you show to strangers 
when they ask you where you come from 
I wish I was that someone that you come from
 every time you get there
 and when you get there
 I wish I was that someone who got phone calls 
and postcards saying 
wish you were here

 I wish you were here
 autumn is the hardest season 
the leaves are all falling 
and they’re falling like they’re falling in love with the ground
 and the trees are naked and lonely 
I keep trying to tell them 
new leaves will come around in the spring 
but you can’t tell trees those things 
they’re like me they just stand there
 and don’t listen

 I wish you were here 
I’ve been missing you like crazy 
I’ve been hazy eyed 
staring at the bottom of my glass again
 thinking of that time when it was so full 
it was like we were tapping the moon for moonshine
 or sticking straws into the center of the sun 
and sipping like Icarus would forever kiss 
the bullets from our guns 

I never meant to fire you know
 I know you never meant to fire lover 
I know we never meant to hurt each other 
now the sky clicks from black to blue
 and dusk looks like a bruise 
I’ve been wrapping one night stands
 around my body like wedding bands 
but none of them fit in the morning
 they just slip off my fingers and slip out the door 
and all that lingers is the scent of you
 I once swore if I threw that scent into a wishing well 
all the wishes in the world would come true 
do you remember

 do you remember the night I told you
 I’ve never seen anything more perfect than snow falling in the glow of a street light
 electricity bowing to nature
 mind bowing to heartbeat
 this is gonna hurt bowing to I love you
 I still love you like moons love the planets they circle around
 like children love recess bells
 I still hear the sound of you
 and think of playgrounds
 where outcasts who stutter 
beneath braces and bruises and acne
 are finally learning that their rich handsome bullies 
are never gonna grow up to be happy 
I think of happy when I think of you

 so wherever you are I hope you’re happy
 I really do 
I hope the stars are kissing your cheeks tonight 
I hope you finally found a way to quit smoking 
I hope your lungs are open and breathing your life 
I hope there’s a kite in your hand 
that’s flying all the way up to Orion 
and you still got a thousand yards of string to let out 
I hope you’re smiling 
like god is pulling at the corners of your mouth
 cause I might be naked and lonely 
shaking branches for bones 
but I’m still time zones away
 from who I was the day before we met
 you were the first mile
 where my heart broke a sweat
 and I wish you were here 
I wish you’d never left 
but mostly I wish you well 
I wish you my very very best.

take my head out of the game, I just don't need it anymore...

How many times a day do you think of her?

She asked me in the kindest of ways.

Ten.
I answered fast, and saw how her face changed.
...five to ten.
I corrected, maybe a little to quickly.

Don't lie to me because you think I'm judging.  Tell me the truth.

...It's hard for me to say...
I started slowly, searching for a hint of the feelings beneath her stare.

It depends on the day I suppose.  The answer has to be a range, because some days it's more than others. I think 5 to 10 is accurate... on average...

I could feel the disbelief without her saying a word. 
I could feel what she was thinking; the pity, the push to move on, the sadness in her heart for me.
I wondered if she could feel what I was thinking too; the desire to let go, the wish that she would leave my head and my heart for good, the hope that one day my answer would be zero and she wouldn't be at the heart of every story.

Don't judge me...
was all I could say.
I'm trying.  I'm trying hard to forget.

She nodded, in that slow, knowing way she does.
And I looked away, changed the subject, blushing slightly, embarrassed by my constant weakness when it came to the past.

And like always, she let me.