special treatment.

It seems that there is something about me that is really difficult to love.
People like me, sure.
But something makes them need convincing in order to make it any further.
I'm tired of having to talk people into loving me.
Having to talk them into even giving it a chance.
That doesn't make me feel special.
It doesn't make me want to make them feel special either.
I've already spent all my energy trying to convince you to give me a chance, making myself feel less and less desirable and special, and then I need to make you feel even more special on top of that?
How can you not already feel special when I've worked so hard to make you stay?
How can you not see that it drains my energy to fight, to stay positive, to pretend the hurtful things you do and say roll off my back like water from a duck?
What is it about me that makes it so hard to love me?
I want someone to be afraid of losing me... Not terrified of having me.
I want to feel special. Loved. Important. Irreplaceable. Unique. Respected. Appreciated. Understood. Forgiven. Sexy. Listened to. Interesting. Fun. Comfortable. Safe.
Special.

sweater weather.

Sometimes the sadness takes over and all you can do is hide the way we did as kids
Build a fort inside your mind filled with all the memories that haunt your heart
Surround yourself with all the things you can't live without
Like guilt and regret and second thoughts
What if's, could be's, and should have done's

Slip on the melancholy like an old thick sweater and hunker down for a long cold winter

Thinking of you makes my heart sing and sob, ebb and flow, cool and burn

A never-ending roller coaster sailing effortlessly and tirelessly through a life that doesn't know how to live

With or without you, or this darkness, this confusion, uncertainty

On and on until I die, an endless cycle of missed opportunity, broken hearts, empty souls, and meaningless existence

Tethered forever to you

And this sadness

Inside my haunted fort

Wearing my melancholy sweater

The one with my heart stitched tightly on its sleeve.