.pink burns.

Ever wonder about what she's doing
How it all turned to lies
Sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why

Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple times
Why do we fall in love so easy?
Even when it's not right

Ever worried that it might be ruined
And does it make you wanna cry?
When you're out there doing what you're doing
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by?

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try
Gotta get up and try...

.anyhow.

It’s a shame and it’s a pity
The way you treat me now
I know you can’t forgive me
But forgive me anyhow
The ending got so ugly
I even heard you say
You never ever loved me
Oh but love me anyway

Dreamed about you baby
You were wearing half your dress
I know you have to hate me
But could you hate me less?

I used up all my chances
And you’ll never take me back
But there ain’t no harm in asking
Could you cut me one more slack?
I’m naked and I’m filthy
And there’s sweat upon my brow
And both of us are guilty
Anyhow

Have mercy on me baby
After all I did confess
Even though you have to hate me
Could you hate me less?

It’s a shame and it’s a pity
I know you can’t forgive me
The ending got so ugly
You never ever loved me
Dreamed about you baby
I know you have to hate me
I’m naked and I’m filthy
And both of us are guilty
Anyhow
Have mercy on me baby

.perfect.

Falling a thousand feet per second, you still take me by surprise
I just know we can't be over, I can see it in your eyes
Making every kind of silence, takes a lot to realize
It's worse to finish than to start all over and never let it lie
And as long as I can feel you holding on
I won't fall, even if you said I was wrong

I'm not perfect, but I keep trying 
Cuz that's what I said I would do from the start
I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave
Was it something I said or just my personality...

dotted lines and ven diagrams.

the line becomes blurred
between love and desperation

when does certainty become insanity
and waiting become standing alone

when does leaving become moving on
tell me, when does the line become clear...

inkblot.

I'm not crazy, like you think I am

I'm not crazy, for holding on tight

to a thought, or a prayer, or just an ideal

to what I thought could be all that was right

I'm not crazy for starting to feel

like maybe how I was living was just not enough

for wanting to right all the things I did wrong

for wanting a heart that was not quite so tough

I'm not crazy for wanting to change

for seeing my flaws and working them through

I'm not crazy for seeing what I lost

but I just might be crazy for loving you.

.holland road.

Mumford and Sons Babel is my heart in 15 songs.

Thank you for singing all that I wish I could say <3

Press my nose up to the glass around your heart
I should’ve known I was weaker from the start
You’ll build your walls and I will play my bloody part
To tear, tear them down
Well I’m gonna tear, tear them down

Cuz I know my weakness, know my voice, but I believe in grace and choice
And I know perhaps my heart is farce, but I’ll be born without a mask 

But I still believe though there's cracks you'll see
When I'm on my knees I'll still believe
And when I've hit the ground, neither lost nor found
If you'll believe in me I'll still believe

.light in the dark.

Take this chance,
Cuz it may be our last
To be free,
To let go of the past,
And to try,
To let our love never die
Or to just live our life.
Take my hand,
And let me take your heart,
Keep it far
From what keeps us apart
Let us start
With a light in the dark.
Take this chance,
And we'll make a new start
Somewhere far
From what keeps us apart,
And I swear that somewhere
In the night
There's a light
A light in the dark.

.something next to normal.

This planet is pretty much broken beyond all repair
But one thing is working if you're standing there
Perfect for you, I could be perfect for you
I'll make myself perfect, perfect for you

Cause I'm holding on
and I won't let go
I just thought you should know
I am the one who knows you
I am the one who cares

And if you think that I just don't give a damn
Then you just don't know who I am

Will you watch as I drown and wonder why

Are you waiting? Are you wishing? Are you wanting all that she can't give?

Are you bruised? Are you broken?

Are you hurting? Are you healing? Are you hoping for a life to live?
Does it help you to know, well so am I
Well, so am I

Tell me what to do

Look at me

Tell me who to be

Look at me

So I can see what you see

And you'll see
I am the one who holds you

I am the one who stayed
I am the one who won't walk away
I won't walk away
I am the one who'll hear you
And now you tell me that I won't give a damn
You don't give a damn
But I know you know who I am
Who am I? 

And all my fears just sit inside me, screaming to be heard
I know they won't, though, not a single word
Maybe we can’t be okay
But maybe we’re tough and we’ll try anyway
We’ll live with what’s real
Let go of what’s past

That’s the thing I’d like to try
Close enough to normal
To get by

.all for love.

Slipping through a hole where the moon don't shine
Spent too long trying to make you mine
Kept on running, but I fell behind
Butterfly better fly away this time

Lost my place in the line again
Put it back on the shelf and let the dust settle in
I always thought we'd that be more than friends
I always thought that we were different

I'm all for love
But I can't see the light
Tell me how to do it
Tell me how I'm gonna get it right
I'm all for love
I'm gonna try it again
I don't wanna give up
Cause I'm all for love
Nobody knows where the hell I've been
Gonna make a fool of myself again
Keep on getting stuck up in the same old scene
Baby why'd you have to go and be so mean

I'm all for love
But I can't see the light
Tell me how to do it
Tell me how I'm gonna get it right
I'm all for love
And I'm trying again
I don't wanna give up
Cause I'm all for love

I don't believe in praying on your knees
Just let me leave, I'm over the fantasy

I'm all for love
But I can't see the light
Tell me how to do it
Tell me how I'm gonna get it right
I'm all for love
And I'm trying again
I don't wanna give up
I don't wanna give in
But I can't see the light
Tell me how to do it
Tell me how I'm gonna get it right
I'm all for love
And I'm trying again
I don't wanna give up
Cause I'm all for love

And I'd give away a thousand days 

Just to have another one with you.

i had a dream.

Last night I dreamt that you held my hand...
And all our wrongs were right again...

a timeline.

8 months ago today.

a lifetime, and yesterday.

I believed you when you said.

sometimes it lasts in love, and sometimes it hurts instead.

Stuck in this place
With my feet in the quicksand
A head like an owl
Spun back toward my past
Dreaming of my future
But yesterday's still clinging
Clawing and begging to survive one more day
My love holds on and seems never ending
Holding me here with its refusal to sway
Though battered and shadowed by a muse's rejection
The rope of hope grows thinner by days...

heart song.

all of my words get caught in my throat

for fear of saying it wrong

afraid of sounding like excuses for the past

or pleading becoming my tone

when all I really need to say

is this feeling won't leave me alone

it stays and it haunts and it makes me smile

and it feels like it just can't be fake

all that i think and see and dream

comes back to your face, and our smiles, and those days

i guess when i let it all go and just speak

what my heart says is this:

it's not that i can't live without you by my side, because we both know that i can

it's just that i don't want to... today, tomorrow, forever.

.twentysevenisthenewfortytwo.

Had the best birthday day ever.

The only thing missing was

You.
<3

.weak in the knees.

would you mind if i pretended we were somewhere else

doing something we wanted to

cuz all this living makes me wanna do

is die cuz i can't live with you

and you don't even care

would you mind if i pretended i was someone else

with courage in love and war

i used to think that's what i was

but now this lying hurts too much and i don't know what for

i'm weak in the knees for you

but i'll stand if you want me to

my legs are strong and i'll move on

but honey i'm weak in the knees

would you mind if i walked over and i kissed your face
in front of all your friends

would you mind if i got drunk and said i wanna take you home to bed

oh would you change your mind

i'm weak in the knees for you

but i'll stand if you want me to

my legs are strong and i'll move on

but honey i'm weak in the knees for you

.we could try.

What would you say if I told you that all I've thought about is you since you've been gone.
I wish some way, some how, I could turn this world right back around and mend mistakes I made.
So I could say to you that I know things aren't quite like what they used to be, different faces, different places, but we could try, oh yeah we could try...

What would you say if I told you I'm not giving up, however long it takes.
It's clear that things have changed since when we started, but we can't just walk away babe.
So I am telling you that I know things aren't quite like what they used to be, different faces, different places, but we could try, oh yeah we could try...

BrainDumpWednesday...

Lately I've been feeling like I chose the wrong major... I am so much more drawn to studies of society and social action than to the confines of the individual mind.

I am currently trying to wrap all my interests into a psychological research project that is innovative, interesting, and makes a difference... but it all seems so small-time.  I can only think in big pictures, large changes, making a DIFFERENCE... not some silly "some people think this way, and others think this way" kind of thing.

I think I have come up with a few ideas I would like to pursue, but they are hard topics to work on in an undergraduate environment.  Brainstorming ideas are:

1. orientation differences in self-estimates of intelligence
• in other words, does sexual orientation have an effect on perceptions of your own intelligence?  There are gender and ethnicity differences... do these extend to orientation as well?
2. effect of orientation in estimates of target intelligence
• do you base some of your estimates of other people's intelligence based on their sexual orientation?  Will people who are presented with the same descriptions of a person, differing only in sexual orientation, estimate the intelligence of these people differently?
3. orientation effects on performance in intelligence tests (i.e. math, spatial, verbal, etc)
• We know there are differences in performance on specific areas of intelligence based on gender (eg. males are better at math, females have higher emotional intelligence, etc)  Does sexual orientation have a significant effect as well?

The one thing that makes me think psychology is truly the right area for me is that I think the biggest changes can be made beginning in individuals... That societal change still begins in the confines of an individual mind.  And helping society can start here too.

Anyway... that's my brain dump for today...

new direction.

When does enough become enough?

When does the heartache have to stop?

How long can a one sided friendship go on with the tears and the heartbreak and the hurt feelings adding and multiplying and exponentially growing until everything inside feels ready to burst?

Why do I have to beg and plead for you to do what I do for you, to want to support me as I support you?

When do I accept that my love has been a given for too long, and now it means less than an acquaintance's first impression?

When do you become the friend I don't need, the friend I can't stand, the friend who makes me feel lower than low when I should feel higher than high?

How can I tell you goodbye when it already feels like you've tossed me farewell...

All around me good things are happening, and I feel like life is moving in a new direction, but at every exciting turn I need your support.  As I have been supporting you through your life changes, good and bad, for over a decade now.  I don't feel that I'm asking for much, just a positive push here, an inquiring question there, with a little bit of time in the middle when I could use your face in the crowd and smile in my heart...

Maybe all these changes are pushing me to cleanse more than my closet.  Perhaps I need to goodwill some relationships too, and continue to keep only those around me who want to have a two-sided exchange; of love, support, encouragement, pride, and everything else that goes with a happy life.  No one needs the friends who can't be bothered to be honest, who leave you last to find things out, who have time for just about anyone but you.  No one needs friends who will break your heart with silence, sneak around in secret, and pretend like they've never done anything wrong in their lives.  No one needs friends who can ignore your existence until it's convenient for them, or until they feel left out of the loop of your life.

What everyone needs is friends who are honest, non-judging, supportive, and involved.  Friends who want you to succeed even when they aren't, and think of you first when presented with an opportunity to better your life.  Friends who help you get ahead, not so that the favour will be returned, but because playing a part in your happiness makes them happy too.  Friends who expect nothing, but receive it all ten-fold because that's how two-way relationships work.  I have some friends like these... and have already cleansed myself of some of the former.  It's time to foster the relationships that create two sided happiness... and inspire us both to be more than we thought possible, but are willing to become with the support of each other.

.lie like ghosts.

I want to know where my confidence went
one day it all disappeared
and I'm lying in a hotel room miles away
voices next door in my ear

Daytime's a drag, nighttime's worse
hope that I can get home soon
but the half-finished bottles of inspiration
lie like ghosts in my room

I wanna go
I know I can't stay
but I don't want to run

feeling this way
til I am myself again

There's a seat on the corner
I keep every night
wait til the evening begins
I feel like a stranger from another world
but at least I'm living again

There are nights full of anger
words that are thrown
tempers that are shattered and thin
but the moments of magic are just too short
they're over before they begin

I know it's time
one big step
I can't go
I'm not ready yet
til I am myself again
 

I had a dream that my house was on fire
people laughed while it burned
I tried to run but my legs were numb
I had to wait til the feeling returned

I don't need a doctor to figure it out
I know what's passing me by
when I look in the mirror
sometimes I see traces of some other guy

I wanna go
I know I can't stay
but I don't want to run
feeling this way
til I am myself again

til I went nowhere with you...

I'm having a hell of a week, and it's only Monday.

I can't believe how many amazing things happened on the weekend, and how quickly so many things could come together.

Opening of an amazing show, including a nearly faultless preview performance... even with immense amounts of tech and no full dress rehearsal, for a full audience of critics, theatre big-wigs, and press, who graced us with a full standing ovation.  Amazing reviews in the media, and by the end of the weekend, the entire original run and all but 2 shows of the extension were completely sold out.  Nothing can make a stage manager so proud :)

This preview was an audition for myself as well... and landed me a huge opportunity.  I can't believe just 4 days ago I was a proud volunteer stage manager, and now I have a contract for professional (PAID) work!  God.  Such a good weekend.

All of this in addition to the friends I've made and rediscovered in this process, and the discoveries I've made about myself.  I don't even dread my research job as much anymore!  It's a miracle :)

This is the first journal style blog I've written in awhile, and I'm happy it's not a sad one.  I'm not usually inspired to put anything but heartache into words on here, but when you feel like your life is coming together, and stars are finally aligning... how can you resist?

Thank you Monday.  Today I even love you.

exit sign.

I found this in an old journal when I was moving.  I wrote it quite a while ago, but I think it has some promise...

Some days it's so hard

oh so hard to carry on

To think of you with each passing breath

each gulp of air sustaining life

To tie my shoes, to zip my coat

to see your reflection in every smiling face

How can I speak and not hear you

your voice, your laugh, your sweet embrace

I can't help wondering how you've been

where life has led you on your path

and where you're headed next

Will yours cross mine again

or continue on as it has

Forever a dotted white line

between our highways of love

Separate yet parallel

so close and yet so far

An exit sign on the horizon

that no one ever notices

Too determined are we to find our destination

Wherever that may be

Whoever that may be

silence.

where have my words gone?

.fine fine line.

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime.
There's a fine, fine line...

.payphone.

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone
Baby it's all wrong, where are the plans we made for two?

Yeah, I, I know it's hard to remember
The people we used to be
It's even harder to picture
That you're not here next to me
You say it's too late to make it
But is it too late to try?
And in our time that you wasted
All of our bridges burned down

I've wasted my nights
You turned out the lights
Now I'm paralyzed
Still stuck in that time when we called it love
But even the sun sets in paradise

If happy ever after did exist
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairytales are full of shit
One more stupid love song I'll be sick

You turned your back on tomorrow
Cause you forgot yesterday
I gave you my love to borrow
But just gave it away
You can't expect me to be fine
I don't expect you to care
I know I've said it before
But all of our bridges burned down

Now I'm at a payphone...

.somebody.

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
Part of me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know...

But you didn't have to cut me out
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing...

You treat me like a stranger
And it feels so rough


Now I'm just somebody that you used to know.

.it's mine, it's mine.

I played the fool to a four star review

oh my, devil where you gone...

devil where you gone?

Emptied out your heart upon my pillow

oh my, devil where you gone...

devil where you gone?

I stand before my judge and jury

I call my witness

oh yours is a felony...

you're gone

And I'm shoutin' down the telephone line

gimme back that heart!

It's mine, it's mine...

Screamin' out the bottom line

gimme back that heart!

It's mine, it's mine...

You're the wind and I am just a pawn

oh you were having me on...

were you having me on?

You're the wind now we're a pretty song

oh my, devil where you gone...

devil where you gone?

and i won't take any other call...

and if you don't love me, please tell me you're letting me go...

.love me, love me not.

What you don't know is that I would do anything for you.

What you don't know is that I would do anything for you.

Love me, love me not:

Counting petals on the floor.

Stop being so afraid

To let our love become more.

Take me, take me in:

I won't let you down.

I'm not running; I'm not leaving today.

But you can think what you want.

There's only so much I can do and you

Don't see all I am giving away

And I'm asking for you to stay.

Love me, love me not:

Counting petals on the floor.

Stop being so afraid

To let our love become more.

Take me, take me in:

I won't let you down.

I'm not running; I'm not leaving.

I'm not hiding, no, I'm not lying.

I'm not wanting anybody else today

But you ... just you.

.to binge.

Waiting by the mailbox, by the train
Passing by the hills 'til I hear the name
I'm looking for a saw to cut these chains in half

And all I want is someone to rely on

As thunder comes a rolling down
Someone to rely on

As lightning comes a staring in again

I'll wait to be forgiven
Maybe I never will
My star has left me
To take the bitter pill

That shattered feeling
Well, the cause of, it's a lesson learned
Just don't know if I could roll into the sea again
Just don't know if I could do it all again, she said, it's true

Waiting in my room and I lock the door
I watch the coloured animals across the floor
And I'm looking from a distance
And I'm listening to the whispers
And oh it ain't the same, when you're falling out of feeling

And you're falling in and caught again

I'm caught again in the mystery
You're by my side, but are you still with me?
The answer's somewhere deep in it, I'm sorry but you're feeling it

But I just have to tell you that I love you so much these days
Have to tell you that I love you so much these days, it's true

My heart is in economy
Due to this autonomy
Rolling in and caught again
Caught again

My heart is in economy
Due to this autonomy
Rolling in and caught again
Caught again

the future is bright, like the pot of gold ending the rainbow...

Today I feel like such a grown up... putting together a research grant proposal.  Why is it I can never seem to find the adult words to say in these things?

My brain is tired this week.  After resting all of last week, I am thrown into a week of deadlines, exams, and disappointed group members.

Remember when school was exciting and fun?

I try to.  I try hard to remind myself.

I try to remember the future it will bring me.  When I'm an actual grown up, instead of just playing pretend for a day or two, depending on the assignment.  When I will be engrossed in interesting clients and topics and new ideas and inspirations... When I will be helping people.  Truly helping them.

Though, my future seems further away these days... no big plans and exciting talk topics.  Just exams and deadlines and endless busy work.  No talk of places to live and lives together.  Just me and my big future.  Forging on together, and alone, all at once.

Bright future I'll have.  One day, some day... I can see the distant glow.

If only it would hurry up and get here.

.ever after.

You stand before me and I barely know you

is it so easy to leave?

where is the girl who said I was her soul mate?

where is the girl I believed?

climb and escape from those seeds that you planted

you slew all my giants, ignoring your own

now that you're gone I'm left with my courage alone

when did we lose the ever after?

I thought the good guys would triumph

I trusted a hero, I didn't hear her goodbye

I guess it was lost in the talk of a coward

when did we lose the ever after?

you can't be the same girl I followed, thought I'd always follow

you've hurt me more than you know

all that I wanted was you, you were my tomorrow...

...and so I thought I’d let you know that these things take forever I especially am slow but I realized that I need you and I wondered if I could come home...

a letter i wrote to you...

..."

I can apologize for days and weeks and months and years, but I know I can’t undo the pain I’ve caused you.  I’m not asking you to forget, or absolve me of my mistakes.  I’m just asking you to see the profound change you’ve made in me, and let me hold your heart as you hold mine.  I will protect it, and provide for it, and be all it ever needs… because I know our hearts are meant to be together.  I went once, this is true.  But I will never go again.  Please see that I am staying here now, even with almost no hope left, I will not go.  Because this is where I belong… wherever you are.

All I have to give you is all of me.  I can’t make promises and expect you to believe me.  I can only bare my soul and spill my heart and be completely honest with how I feel.  And this is it.

"...

a letter i wrote to you...

I’m not asking you to stay… only to go wherever you are going with me by your side.  Because the only place I want to be for the rest of my life, is wherever you are...

Today I feel like weakness prevails...
This pain in my chest is more than I can bear.

I miss you more than I can say.


My heart hurts...

.one and only.

You've been on my mind, I grow fonder every day
Lose myself in time just thinking of your face
God only knows why it's taking you so long
To let your doubts go
You're the only one that I want
Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close
And have you tell me whichever road I choose, you'll go
I know why you're scared, I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all
You'll never know if you never try
To forgive our past and simply be mine

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
Nobodies perfect
Trust me, I've learned it

I dare you to let me be your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove that I am the one who can
Walk that mile...

.remember.

When will I see you again?

You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said

no final kiss to seal any sins

I had no idea of the state we were in

I know I have a fickle heart

and a bitterness

and a wandering eye

and a heaviness in my head

But don't you remember?

Don't you remember the reason you loved me before?

Baby, please remember me once more

When was the last time you thought of me?

Or have you completely erased me from your memory?

I often think about where I went wrong

the more I do the less I know

But I know I have a fickle heart

and a bitterness

and a wandering eye

and a heaviness in my head

But don't you remember?

Don't you remember the reason you loved me before?

Baby, please remember me once more

I gave you your space so you could breathe

I kept my distance so you would be free

and hope that you'll find that missing piece to bring you back to me

Why don't you remember?

Don't you remember the reason you loved me before?

Baby, please remember me once more

When will I see you again?

i wear my heart on my blog.

Reading back through past posts makes something very clear.

I'm a complete idiot.

There in the pages and pages of words I wrote, my heart's intention and true purpose bursts from the page like bold face size 32 font.

"I'm in love with you and too afraid to say it"

Post after post, I can see both the love and the fear thinly veiled in rhymes and song lyrics and colourful phrases.

Post after post of forevers and perfect matches and futures together... and yet nothing said in the real world.  In the place it truly mattered.  Instead, all just typed and filed and posted for the world to see... behind a computer screen.

It feels like people in Japan and Europe and Massachusetts all know of my love for you... and yet, here I am... alone.  Without you.  All because I was too afraid of what might happen when I said it out loud.

Which, in itself, is completely stupid.

I was afraid you would feel the same?  That maybe you could feel as I feel, love me as I love you?

No.  Obviously I was afraid you would not.

Even though it was clear that you would.  That you DID.

Instead of taking the chance of being happy, I guaranteed I would be the opposite.  All so I could be the master of my emotions.

And so... I am an idiot.

An idiot who has now relinquished control with the hope of being happy.  An idiot who just wants to feel how you make me feel.  An idiot who hopes one day, you'll forgive me... and give me a second chance.  A new chance.  A chance I promise not to screw up, or run from, or be afraid.

I'm ready for my future.

And my future is you.

I love you. For always.

collage of a con.

try to control the pull of one magnet to another.

i miss you now

i guess like you would have missed me then

i'll tell you now

i guess like i should have told you then

i'm not proud that nothing will seem easy about me

i broke down and wrote you back before you had a chance to

a million hours left to think of you and think of that

taken i am yours, i'm up and doing circles

when you felt like this

when you saw it all come crashing down

i saw unfair and so i wrote to you through other means

i let myself finally feel taken, like i was yours

repeat, repeat the words that i know we both have said

i just want back in your head

when i got a little scared, i ran ran ran

remember when i was sweet and unexplainable

strange and likeable

imagine me there my heart asleep with no air

you take a moment, take a year

you took me out and took me in and told me all of this and then

i'm feeling directionless

hope that you'll hear me, know that i wrote to you

keep fighting to remember that nothing is lost in the end

when you burn your life down

cooked up a plan, so good except

i was all alone, you were all i had

i want to draw you a floorplan of my head and heart

give you directions, helpful hints

i want your lungs to stop working without me

i think about writing you, thought about calling you

i hold this pain in my heart forever

don't forget a million miles from me

i lied, i lied to me too

hide from the ones you know will love too

i won't regret saying this thing that i'm saying

it's better than keeping my mouth shut

sugar spell it out

i break my heart around this.

Soil, soil...

.rebel in the roses.

If you find me, I'll be yours in a heartbeat
On Cade Hill, thinking of where you might be
I'm as sure as all the rebels on the roses
On Cade Hill, I'll be here, try and find me.

And I'm lost and lost now that you are gone
I'm lost lost, the heavenly host is gone

I've been here for a while
Hanging out with the rebels in the roses
I am falling to the ground,
Try to find you and tell you I'm sorry

Can you come out, I'm outside, can you hurry
On the cold hill where the rebels are buried
Oh, I miss you, and I wish you could see me
On Cade Hill with the rebels beneath me

I've been down, I've been waiting
Hanging out with the rebels in the roses
I am falling to the ground
Try to find you and tell you thank you for everything

weakness is the gift love brings.

thought I was strong 'til I met you girl

you took my heart and swept it away

I thought I had taken it back for me

when all along it was in your chest

You'll hold it there 'til the end of time

cuz without yours, it's foreign to me

Thought what I wanted was a heart all my own

but you taught me there's more in giving mine away

thought I was strong 'til I met you girl

and now you've made me weak

Take my heart out of my chest I just don't need it anymore...

.shell games.

Took the fireworks and the vanity
The circuit board and the city streets
Shooting star, swaying palm tree
Laid it at the arbiter's feet
If I could change my mind, change the paradigm
Prepare myself for another life
Forgive myself for the many times
I was cruel to something helpless and weak
But here it come, that heavy love
I'm never gonna move it alone
Here it come, that heavy love
Tag it on a tenement wall
Here it come that heavy love, someone gotta share in the load
Oh, here it come that heavy love, I'm never gonna move it alone
I was dressed in white, touched by something pure
Death obsessed, like a teenager
Sold my tortured youth, piss and vinegar
I'm still angry with no reason to be
At the architect who imagines
For the every man, blessed Sisyphus
Slipping steadily into madness, now that's the only place to be free
But here it come, that heavy love
You're never gonna move it alone
Here it come, that heavy love
Tattooed on a criminals arm
Here it come that heavy love, someone gotta share in the load
Oh, here it come, that heavy love, you're never gonna move it alone
No I don't wanna play, it's a shell game
It's a shell game
Distorted sounds on oscilloscopes
Distorted facts I could never cope
My private life is an inside joke
No one will explain it to me
We'll be everything that we ever need
Everyone on the count of three
Everyone on the count of three
All together now
Here it come that heavy love
We're never gonna move it alone
Here it come that heavy love, playin as the cylinder rose
Here it come that heavy love, I only want to share in the load
Oh it here it come that heavy love
I'm never gonna move it alone