children of the earth.

She laughs and I am filled with an ancient clarity.
She's the one. 
No blood in my eyes, no blood on her face.
She's the one.
The one who was taken.
The one who left.
The twin born by fission.
She'll die in fusion, our fusion, cold fusion, unlimited power, unlimited knowledge, the secrets she must hold, the memories that we shared but are now forgotten, the words to complete the sentence that I began, "I am ...!"

lost in your wake.

Another one gone, and my heart breaks for all that's left behind
The heartache, the questions, the crying, the guilt
How could we miss it, how could we have failed
We tried and you tried and somehow still here we are
And there you are, way up there, so some say
But also down here, and around us, and gone
How can we help you, help others, help us
Help us to see you, understand you, and learn
So many keep leaving, take the same road out of town
Out of our lives and our dinners, our memories still strong
We're left with small pieces, a clue here and there
A picture, a song, and a loud hockey cheer
I'm sorry you missed us, I'm sorry we didn't hear you
I'm sorry you left us, and I'm sorry we weren't there
I'm sorry you couldn't stay just one more year
And maybe we'd fix it, we'd hear it, we'd learn
Maybe the next time we'd just get it right
And maybe you'd make through just one more night
I wish I could shake you, just shake you alive
And show you what's happened since you left us, left them, and died
You'd see it, you'd feel it, you're not all alone
The love that surrounds you, and now has no home
I'm sorry you missed it, I'm sorry it was foggy
I hope that it's peaceful, wherever it is
I hope you can see it, and hear it, and feel it
This love that's shaken free and drifts lost in your wake.

no more lifelines.

Stop looking here for hints, if you want to know how I feel.
If you care what is on my heart and my mind, have the courage to ask my face.

We clawed, we chained, our hearts in vain
We jumped, never asking why
We kissed, I fell under your spell
A love no one could deny
Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you
I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me
I put you high up in the sky
And now, you're not coming down
It slowly turned, you let me burn
And now, we're ashes on the ground
Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you
I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
I came in like a wrecking ball
Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left me crashing in a blazing fall
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of using force
I guess I should've let you win
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
I guess I should've let you win
Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
I came in like a wrecking ball
Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left me crashing in a blazing fall
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me

It's funny how someone else's words can sometimes feel so much more personal and fitting than your own.  And how this can translate into how you read each other.  Like reading meaning into words you wish were there.  Or feeling so incredibly confident that you can suss out the meaning behind the vagueness of someone's words, and taking days, or weeks, or months to realize how wrong you are... and have been... and probably always will be.

Sometimes it's hard to tell which part of this is the hardest.  Is it the waiting, when you think you have something to wait for?  Is it the questioning as to why you even care?  Is it the surprising pain when the waiting doesn't come to fruition?  Is it the stupid feeling when you realize you were waiting without even meaning to?

I wish I could turn off this compulsion to see things that aren't there... feel things that I'd rather not... assumptions that others may do this too... I wish I could just turn it off and be blissfully ignorant of other people's intentions and feelings and desires.  How much easier things would be for me (and my heart) then.

.when it starts to snow.

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies
Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
Cuz love comes slow and it goes so fast
Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
Cuz you loved her too much
And you dived too deep
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go

But you let her go...

.clarity.

High dive into frozen waves where the past comes back to life

Fight fear for the selfish pain, it was worth it every time

Hold still right before we crash cuz we both know how this ends

A clock ticks 'til it breaks your glass and I drown in you again

You are the piece of me I wish I didn't need

Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?

If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

Walk on through a red parade and refuse to make amends

It cuts deep through our ground and makes us forget all common sense

Don't speak as I try to leave cuz we both know what we'll choose

If you pull then I'll push too deep and I'll fall right back to you

You are the piece of me I wish I didn't need

Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?

If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

I just found this buried in my computer from a year or so ago.  I like it, so I thought I'd share it.

…

There she is again.  On the edge of my mind, the tip of my tongue.  It seems like thoughts of her are colonizing my brain, taking over in places they don’t belong.  My memory isn’t enough anymore, now they inhabit my senses, my motor centers, my synapses.  She claims entire neural pathways, shoving a flag deep inside the newest claim to space inside my head.  These daydreams are more and more like epileptic blank outs, where I just drop what I’m doing, or saying, or reading and stare into an abyss of hair and skin and hands and smile.  But no one is there.  No one is greeting me within this state of limbo.  This emotional memory hell.  It’s just me.  Alone.  With thoughts.  And I come to and say “enough is enough!  I’m leaving this place, this stuck in the sand place.  I’m moving on!  Forget her.  For.Get.Her.  Just file it away, and get back to your dishes/sentence/graphic novel about Shakespeare.  Just DO it.”

This is about when the cat looks at me like I’m crazy, and though I’m alone, I’m suddenly embarrassed.  Bashful.  Self conscious about this fit of feeling that happens over and over and over for far too long now.  And yet… something about these thoughts, these memories, is like they’re alive somehow.  Like they can sense when I’m starting to win.

And then they haunt my dreams.

Cuz it’s me and you, and you and me

No matter how you toss the dice, it’s meant to be

The only one for me is you, and you is me

So happy togeth-

My hand hits the snooze button.

.safe & sound.

I could lift you up
I could show you what you wanna see
And take you where you wanna be
 
You could be my luck
Even if the sky is falling down
I know that we'll be safe and sound

I could fill your cup
You know my river won't evaporate
This world we still appreciate

You could be my luck
Even in a hurricane of frowns
I know that we'll be safe and sound

I could show you love
In a tidal wave of mystery
You'll still be standing next to me

You could be my luck
Even if we're six feet underground
I know that we'll be safe and sound

We're safe and sound
Hold your ground
We're safe and sound
Safe and sound

I need your love

I need your time

When everything's wrong

You make it right

I feel so high

I come alive

I need to be free with you tonight

I need your love

I take a deep breath everytime I pass your door

I know you're there but I can't see you anymore

And that's the reason you're in the dark

I've been a stranger ever since we fell apart

And I feel so helpless here

Watch my eyes are filled with fear

Tell me do you feel the same

Hold me in your arms again

Now I'm dreaming, will ever find you now?

I walk in circles but I'll never figure out

What I mean to you, do I belong

I try to fight this but I know I'm not that strong

And I feel so helpless here

Watch my eyes are filled with fear

Tell me do you feel the same

Hold me in your arms again

All the years

All the times

You were never been to blame

And now my eyes are open

And now my heart is closing

And all the tears

All the lies

All the waste

I've been trying to make it change

And now my eyes are open

I need your love

I need your time

When everything's wrong

You make it right

I feel so high

I come alive

I need to be free...

.xx.

It's like the sun set in your eyes and never wanted to rise
You were more than a friend, oh the feeling
It never came to an end, I can't bear to see you
When I see you again, and I'm greeted as a friend
It is understood that we did all we could
After all we had, we act like we had never met
It felt like you really knew me, now it feels like you see through me

SOH (Save Our Hearts).

Trying to write a paper and all I think about is you
I just need one more paper done
and you sweep in again
Please just let me concentrate and think of something else
I can't keep walking down this path
and looping through my head
Please just leave me out of it
I wish I could forget
I can't keep holding on to you
I know it in my head
But someone please tell it to my heart
it's urgent, please just forget.

post secret.

I think I may be in love with my professor...

...it's a problem.

love and let love...

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by the seemingly insurmountable amount of hate our world keeps manufacturing and spreading and allowing to go on. Why can't we see how much better our lives would be with love and acceptance over hatred and tolerance? Why must we always play to win by crushing everyone else down, when we would all win if there was just a little more love. Why can't we live by the age old saying to live and let live, and focus our energies not on destroying and hating those around us, but on making our world and our lives more of what we want to live in? Sometimes all I can do is hope that others feel the pain of the world in their hearts too and make the move to change this zero sum game to a place where we can all be celebrated for our uniqueness and light.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed. But then I just love them and hope they will feel what it is like to love and be loved... And maybe that will inspire them to foster and grow that love for themselves.

.there's only one direction.

Oh, I just wanna take you anywhere that you like
We could go out any day, any night
Baby I'll take you there, yeah
Oh, tell me how to turn your love on
You can get anything that you want
Baby just shout it out, yeah

Oh baby, don't you know you got what I need
Looking so good from your head to your feet
Come on come over here, yeah
Oh, I just wanna show you off to all of my friends
Making them drool down their chinny-chin-chins
Baby be mine tonight, yeah

And if you
You want me too
Let's make a move
Yeah, so tell me girl if every time we touch
You get this kind of rush
Baby, say yeah
If you don't wanna take it slow
And you just wanna take me home
Baby, say yeah
And let me kiss you...

horrorscope.

I will never understand how two volatile signs like Virgo and Taurus are meant to be together. It sounds like a catastrophe to me.

.of monsters and men.

Well, maybe I'm a crook for stealing your heart away
Yeah, maybe I'm a crook for not caring for it
Yeah, maybe I'm a bad, bad, bad... bad person
Well, baby I know.
And these fingertips
Will never run through your skin
And those bright blue eyes
Can only meet mine across the room
Filled with people that are less important than you
 
Cuz you love, love, love
When you know I can't love
You love, love, love
When you know I can't love
You love, love, love
When you know I can't love you
So I think it's best
We both forget
Before we dwell on it
The way you held me so tight
All through the night
'til it was near morning
 
Cuz you love, love, love
When you know I can't love
You love, love, love
When you know I can't love
You love, love, love
When you know I can't love you

.heart skipped a beat.

Please don't say we're done
When I'm not finished
I could give so much more
Make you feel, like never before
Welcome, they said welcome to the floor

It's been a while
And you've found someone better
But I've been waiting too long to give this up
The more I see, I understand
But sometimes, I still need you

Sometimes, I still need you

And I was struggling to get in
Left waiting outside your door
I was sure
You'd give me more

No need to come to me
When I can make it all the way to you
You made it clear
You weren't near
Near enough for me

Heart skipped a beat
And when I caught it you were out of reach
But I'm sure, I'm sure
You've heard it before

.Goodbye/Goodbye.

Goodbye I don't wanna feel the need to hear your voice
Goodbye I don't wanna feel the need to see your face

I can't live with all these things I would say
I can't live with all these things that I'd say

With some time I might wanna see the way that you've changed
With some time I might wanna see how you've been, what you can't replace

I can't stand it, all these things I've let go

You could've told me goodbye
You could've told me goodbye
You let me try, knowing there was nothing I could do to change you
You could have warned me, knowing there was nothing I could do to change you

Goodbye.

.my missing.

I see you sleeping only in my mind
I have been away alone this season
I waste so much time
Thinking of when I would hold you gently
And I'd look into your eyes
And I would be the one to calm your shaking
When you would cry

I miss you in my life

You hide your answers within every smile
Time and time again I'd lose my chances
To reconcile
Even if I had my time over
It would take a while
To reveal all my best intentions
That I let slip by

I miss you in my life.

.sigh.

I've been trying to do it right
I've been living a lonely life
I've been sleeping here instead
I've been sleeping in my bed
So show me family
All the blood that I would bleed
I don't know where I belong
I don't know where I went wrong
But I can write a song

I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart
I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweet

I don't think you're right for her
Look at what it might have been if you
Took a bus to China Town
I'd be standing on Canal and Bowery
You should be standing next to me

I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart
I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart

Love ‒ we need it now
Let's hope for some
So, we're bleeding out

I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart
I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweet

.i wish.

I wish I was a photograph 
tucked into the corners of your wallet
 I wish I was a photograph 
you carried like a future in your pocket 
I wish I was that face you show to strangers 
when they ask you where you come from 
I wish I was that someone that you come from
 every time you get there
 and when you get there
 I wish I was that someone who got phone calls 
and postcards saying 
wish you were here

 I wish you were here
 autumn is the hardest season 
the leaves are all falling 
and they’re falling like they’re falling in love with the ground
 and the trees are naked and lonely 
I keep trying to tell them 
new leaves will come around in the spring 
but you can’t tell trees those things 
they’re like me they just stand there
 and don’t listen

 I wish you were here 
I’ve been missing you like crazy 
I’ve been hazy eyed 
staring at the bottom of my glass again
 thinking of that time when it was so full 
it was like we were tapping the moon for moonshine
 or sticking straws into the center of the sun 
and sipping like Icarus would forever kiss 
the bullets from our guns 

I never meant to fire you know
 I know you never meant to fire lover 
I know we never meant to hurt each other 
now the sky clicks from black to blue
 and dusk looks like a bruise 
I’ve been wrapping one night stands
 around my body like wedding bands 
but none of them fit in the morning
 they just slip off my fingers and slip out the door 
and all that lingers is the scent of you
 I once swore if I threw that scent into a wishing well 
all the wishes in the world would come true 
do you remember

 do you remember the night I told you
 I’ve never seen anything more perfect than snow falling in the glow of a street light
 electricity bowing to nature
 mind bowing to heartbeat
 this is gonna hurt bowing to I love you
 I still love you like moons love the planets they circle around
 like children love recess bells
 I still hear the sound of you
 and think of playgrounds
 where outcasts who stutter 
beneath braces and bruises and acne
 are finally learning that their rich handsome bullies 
are never gonna grow up to be happy 
I think of happy when I think of you

 so wherever you are I hope you’re happy
 I really do 
I hope the stars are kissing your cheeks tonight 
I hope you finally found a way to quit smoking 
I hope your lungs are open and breathing your life 
I hope there’s a kite in your hand 
that’s flying all the way up to Orion 
and you still got a thousand yards of string to let out 
I hope you’re smiling 
like god is pulling at the corners of your mouth
 cause I might be naked and lonely 
shaking branches for bones 
but I’m still time zones away
 from who I was the day before we met
 you were the first mile
 where my heart broke a sweat
 and I wish you were here 
I wish you’d never left 
but mostly I wish you well 
I wish you my very very best.

take my head out of the game, I just don't need it anymore...

How many times a day do you think of her?

She asked me in the kindest of ways.

Ten.
I answered fast, and saw how her face changed.
...five to ten.
I corrected, maybe a little to quickly.

Don't lie to me because you think I'm judging.  Tell me the truth.

...It's hard for me to say...
I started slowly, searching for a hint of the feelings beneath her stare.

It depends on the day I suppose.  The answer has to be a range, because some days it's more than others. I think 5 to 10 is accurate... on average...

I could feel the disbelief without her saying a word. 
I could feel what she was thinking; the pity, the push to move on, the sadness in her heart for me.
I wondered if she could feel what I was thinking too; the desire to let go, the wish that she would leave my head and my heart for good, the hope that one day my answer would be zero and she wouldn't be at the heart of every story.

Don't judge me...
was all I could say.
I'm trying.  I'm trying hard to forget.

She nodded, in that slow, knowing way she does.
And I looked away, changed the subject, blushing slightly, embarrassed by my constant weakness when it came to the past.

And like always, she let me.