.your love.

Josie's on a vacation far away
Come around and talk it over
So many things that I wanna say
You know I like my girls a little bit older

I just wanna use your love tonight
I don't wanna lose your love tonight

I ain't got many friends left to talk to
No one's around when I'm in trouble
You know I'd do anything for you
Stay the night, but keep it under cover

I just wanna use your love tonight, oh
I don't wanna lose your love tonight

Try to stop my hands from shaking
Something in my mind's not making sense
It's been awhile since we've been all alone
I can't hide the way I'm feeling

As you leave me, please, would you close the door
And don't forget what I told you
Just cause you're right, that don't mean I'm wrong
Another shoulder to cry upon

I just wanna use your love tonight, yeah
I don't wanna lose your love tonight
Yeah, I just wanna use your love tonight
I don't wanna lose your love tonight
I just wanna use your love tonight
I don't wanna lose your love tonight

but this is what you wanted...

why is when you decide to be alone

you're suddenly

so.

very.

alone.

.soil,soil.

oh and i'm feeling directionless

yes but that's to be expected

and i know that best

in creeps the morning

and another day's lost

you've just written wondering

and i reply fast

all you need to save me

all you need to save me

call

and i'll be curled on the floor hiding out from it all

call

and i won't take any other call

i feel like a fool

so i'm going to stop troubling you

buried in my yard

a letter to send to you

and if i forget

or go forbid die to soon

i hope that you'll hear me

and know that i wrote to you

all you need to say to me

all you need to say to me
is call

and i'll be curled on the floor hiding out from it all 

and i won't take any other call

stored away gone.

a weight has been lifted, a new life begins.

one without the reminders of past lives and sins.

you've pushed me too far, and way past the edge.

my memories of you placed in well labeled bins.

bins to be stored and stacked and piled

possibly never to reconcile.

night after night my will was reduced.

until i was left with just a stool and a noose.

you'll do this no more.

i'll see to that right.

this feeling of blackness, and venom, and spite.

enough of your antics, your drama, your twisted truths.

I choose life.

I choose life.

I choose life.

I am sad today.

heartbook.

My heart.

Is a vessel, is a muscle.  Is a villain, is a saint.

It works like any other, pumping blood, maintaining life.

But my heart, is also a treasure chest.  A storage unit for memories.  For love, for pain.  A scrapbook of my life, tattered and torn with a beat up binding.

Each day I flip through its pages, recalling, remembering, reminiscing. Those I hurt, those who hurt me.  Those I loved, and loved me in return.  Those I can't live without, and those I wish I had.

Flooded with emotion, and yet feeling nothing at all, I turn each page, each memory, until I reach the end.

"To be continued".

"A work in progress".

And here we are.  Today.  The present love, the present pain.  The present.  Sometimes a gift you wish you could re-gift.  The kind of gift you want to peek at, like the days leading up to Christmas, when you just can't resist but to turn each one over in your hands, and search every closet and under-the-bed-space for the ones not yet wrapped.  How nice it would be to have each moment of love and pain and in-between mapped out in a colourful book... with glossy, easy to turn pages, and graphic representations.  A book of our lives.

A book of our hearts.

.ficklefickleheart.

how fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes

i struggle to find any truth in your lies

and now my heart stumbles on things i don't know

my weakness i feel i must finally show

lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all

bu lend me your heart and i'll just let you fall

lend me your eyes i can change what you see

but your soul you must keep totally free

awake my soul

awake my soul

in these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die

where you invest your love, you invest your life

awake my soul

awake my soul

for you were made to meet your maker.

.little lion heart.

but it was not your fault but mine

and it was your heart on the line

i really fucked it up this time

didn't i, my dear

didn't i, my dear.

Today...

My grandma died today.

Well actually, it was yesterday.

6pm. "Peacefully in her bed".

Peacefully.

Right.

I'm filled with crazy emotions.

We were never close, I haven't seen her in over 10 years.

Maybe 15.

And yet, I feel regret.

I feel loss.

I feel... I feel.

I'm not a crier.

I don't cry.

I cried today.

Today, I cried.

I cried for the relief she must have felt.

In that moment before she was gone.

In the moment before dawning.

The moment before the light.

But was there light?

Was there a dawn?

Did she feel relief?

I cried for my mother.

For the loss she must feel.

For the absence of roots.

The reduction of family.

Does she feel lost?

I think she did before now.

Does she feel more lost than before?

Or has this given her no reason to be found?

Perhaps there is relief?

Who can say...

I cried for my own self pity.

The forgetfulness.

Time taken advantage of.

Regret.

Regret.

My grandma died today.

And I cried.

mantra of the lonely.

indecision rules my life.

This line was saved as a draft months ago.  How true it must be, to still be ringing in my head.

like a mantra.

a sick, self-serving chant.

a self-fulfilling prophecy that never comes to an end.

decide and be stuck.

don't decide, and be forever floating.

in a sea of what ifs, what could bes, what could have beens.
 

what good are these?

these speculations, these hopes, these disappointments.

what good are these when they're all you have.

good enough to live on.

enough to persist.

enough to push on.

depend on.

decide and be defined.

definite.

solid.

predictable.

known.