fact.

this is fact not fiction for the first time in years.

i think i need to stop reading you.

it makes me lose hope.

and that's all i have left.

hope.

hope.

hope.

hope that i can make it better.

hope that i can make things right.

hope that i can make you see that i know what i did.

that i don't want to do it again.

that i want to change.

that i CAN change.

that i have changed.

that you're not just another girl.

that this isn't the same.

that i can be everything i should be.

that i am everything i should be.

that i can be all you need.

that i am all you need.

all i need is a chance.

and hope.

kill the beast.

and here it comes again

that ugly beast i've fought so long

rearing up with jutting teeth

i feel it rising

from deep inside

and fight to keep in down beneath

choking, gagging, fighting hard

pushing, pounding, beating heart

for years i thought it had been slain

with confidence my carefree way remained

but here it is, back once more

sometimes i'm not even sure what i keep on fighting for

it takes all my might to keep it in

and no one knows how long it's been

eating me from the inside out

swirling, slashing, screaming to get out

but i stifle it's cries

behind lonely eyes

and pretend this jealous monster

is content in quiet slumber.

pay attention, this is important.

Hear my voice
Did you really hear me?
Hear my voice
I don't think you see me
And you think you know me
Did you really hear me?
Would you really know me?
And you think you see me
Hear my voice
And you think you know me
But you don't hear me
And you think you know me
See me
And you don't know me

so much to say and no right to say it.

so there it is...

a moment of truth.

.a lack of colour.

and when i see you

i really see you upside down

but my brain knows better

it picks you up

and turns you around

turns you around

turns you around

if you feel discouraged

that there's a lack of colour here

please don't worry lover

it's really bursting at the seams

absorbing everything

the spectrum's a to z

this is fact not fiction

for the first time in years

and all the girls in every girly magazine

can't make me feel any less alone

i'm reaching for the phone

to call at 7:03 

and on your machine 

i slur a plea for you to come home

but i know it's too late

i should have given you a reason to stay

given you a reason to stay

given you a reason to stay

given you a reason to stay

this is fact not fiction

for the first time in years

today i will.

time is fleeting and ever more evasive

the list of to-do's ebbs and flows and though things get done, it never seems to be decreasing...

when does one get the time to stop and think through the day, all days, the past and the future, the present even...

when do we have the time to think to ourselves, really just to ourselves, and make the considerations and evaluations required to continue along this list of to-do's...

when does the needing and begging and crying and humming and hawing and all the talking to ourselves get done?

when can we voice our concerns, our problems, our fears, our THOUGHTS out loud?

to no one but ourselves...

to an empty room...

...i guess we add another to the list...

safe at the end of the world.

I can feel it all escaping me.

Picking up speed, losing direction, running running as fast as it can

toward nothing, toward oblivion.

The end is near, and far, and oh so unreachable.

Daunting, pleasing, encompassing, freeing.

The end is coming.

But when...

Thank You.

"My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world."

-Jack Layton

1950-2011

R.I.P.

begging ocean please.

touch of a cheek...

speak.

the sound reaches the depths of a soul

the dark corners of a helpless heart

and beyond

heart to heart

cheek to cheek

mouth to ear

time disappears

and the world melts away

look for me tomorrow

cuz today's all mine

in a world of my own

where the birds sing her song

and her name whispers in the wind

look for me tomorrow

cuz today drifts away

with the current of the river

towards an endless ocean

of hope.

birds of a feather.

If you find a feather, you should pick it up

and keep it in your pocket until you need some advice;

because a feather is a letter from a bird,

and birds are very wise in their flight.

In all their freedom they see many things,

and can leave anytime they like;

but birds always return to the very same flock

and repeat their choice season after season.

So if you find a feather, be sure to listen

for a bird is passing on his wisdom;

to fly and be free for as long as you like

but know one day you'll tire of migrations.

starlight, starbright.

As the coloured stars burn bright and inviting

my heart yearns for all the things I cannot say.

The words are there, bubbling and bursting

but the surface has not yet been broken.

When the seal cracks

and the avalanche begins

I may not be able to stop the flow

of words from my heart

to my mouth
to your ear...

And that's when the future begins.

in the darkness, we find relief...

I sleep too much.

I go to bed too early... I sleep in too late.  I don't want to wake up.  I take naps.  I fall asleep when I've done nothing to warrant a rest.  I snooze through alarms by hours at a time.  I sleep.  and sleep.  and sleep.

I don't know why I want to keep sleeping... my dreams are no better than this reality I've created.  But when I'm sleeping, I don't have to think.  When I'm sleeping, I don't have to worry.  When I'm sleeping, I don't have to talk to anyone, or see anyone, or do anything, or feel anything.  When I'm sleeping, I know it's not real.

Sometimes, when I go to sleep, I hope I won't ever wake up.

.vancouver.

I get scared some of the time

my impaired

and to all the signs I am blind

am I asking too much from this little life

so I drive around with a smoke in my mouth

craving the highway, highway now

it's only been weeks

but I'm tired of this town

the cold spreading

breathing down breathing down

so I'm going to Vancouver

if it takes me all day and night yeah

so I'm going to Vancouver

I'm gonna make it alright

I have got so many thoughts running through this brain

what if she leaves me some day

what if my career rolls down the drain

with all this beauty comes so much fear 

I can feel it inside my ribcage

I need a break

I need a change

I need the BC sun, BC sun

so I'm going to Vancouver

if it takes me all day and night yeah

gonna make it alrght

so calm down my little heart

calm down my little world

as I drive through my favourite town

so calm down my little heart

calm down my little world

oh Osoyoos, how I adore you

so I'm going to Vancouver

if it takes me all day and night yeah

I'm going to Vancouver

I'm gonna make it alright

if it takes me all night

I'm gonna make it alright

runrunrun...

I want to run away, where no one knows my name

and I can hide away in the nameless faces

of the other people like me.

I am an idiot.

I wish I had a more poetic way to expresses the complete idiocy I display, but it's really not a poetic trait.

the life and times of an emo blogger...

I just sat down and wrote this, while quiet tears fell.

...and then I took a shower, and went to Superstore.

artful storage.

I wake up every morning

and stretch my arms out wide

it splits my chest right open

i put my heart back inside

i used to keep it in a jar

but this metaphor has gone too far

and now it's just a work of art

on my wall and in my mind.

unchained melody.

I miss you.

I miss your skin, and your smile, and your laugh, and your tears.  I miss the things I thought I despised, and I miss the things I knew I couldn't live without.

I miss your touch, and your kiss, and your embrace.  I miss you telling me it will all be okay.  I miss telling you I'll never leave.

I miss my life, I miss being a part of yours.

But I just can't take it all back.  I can't go back now.  I chose this path, and I chose it for myself.  I chose it for a reason, even though I sometimes have no idea what that reason may be.

I miss you everyday.  And everyday I wake up wondering when this will lead me back to you.  I can't imagine that it won't.... It would be a cruel twist of fate to finally feel and it be for nothing.  But when that day comes, it will be freeing.  Like a bird released from a lifelong cage, and I will love you.

and love you.

and love you.

forever.

breaking up is hard to do... because that's what makes it worth it.

Read this article.

Seriously.

Do it.

http://www.autostraddle.com/the-best-break-up-advice-youll-ever-get-84054/

.your love.

Josie's on a vacation far away
Come around and talk it over
So many things that I wanna say
You know I like my girls a little bit older

I just wanna use your love tonight
I don't wanna lose your love tonight

I ain't got many friends left to talk to
No one's around when I'm in trouble
You know I'd do anything for you
Stay the night, but keep it under cover

I just wanna use your love tonight, oh
I don't wanna lose your love tonight

Try to stop my hands from shaking
Something in my mind's not making sense
It's been awhile since we've been all alone
I can't hide the way I'm feeling

As you leave me, please, would you close the door
And don't forget what I told you
Just cause you're right, that don't mean I'm wrong
Another shoulder to cry upon

I just wanna use your love tonight, yeah
I don't wanna lose your love tonight
Yeah, I just wanna use your love tonight
I don't wanna lose your love tonight
I just wanna use your love tonight
I don't wanna lose your love tonight

but this is what you wanted...

why is when you decide to be alone

you're suddenly

so.

very.

alone.

.soil,soil.

oh and i'm feeling directionless

yes but that's to be expected

and i know that best

in creeps the morning

and another day's lost

you've just written wondering

and i reply fast

all you need to save me

all you need to save me

call

and i'll be curled on the floor hiding out from it all

call

and i won't take any other call

i feel like a fool

so i'm going to stop troubling you

buried in my yard

a letter to send to you

and if i forget

or go forbid die to soon

i hope that you'll hear me

and know that i wrote to you

all you need to say to me

all you need to say to me
is call

and i'll be curled on the floor hiding out from it all 

and i won't take any other call

stored away gone.

a weight has been lifted, a new life begins.

one without the reminders of past lives and sins.

you've pushed me too far, and way past the edge.

my memories of you placed in well labeled bins.

bins to be stored and stacked and piled

possibly never to reconcile.

night after night my will was reduced.

until i was left with just a stool and a noose.

you'll do this no more.

i'll see to that right.

this feeling of blackness, and venom, and spite.

enough of your antics, your drama, your twisted truths.

I choose life.

I choose life.

I choose life.

I am sad today.

heartbook.

My heart.

Is a vessel, is a muscle.  Is a villain, is a saint.

It works like any other, pumping blood, maintaining life.

But my heart, is also a treasure chest.  A storage unit for memories.  For love, for pain.  A scrapbook of my life, tattered and torn with a beat up binding.

Each day I flip through its pages, recalling, remembering, reminiscing. Those I hurt, those who hurt me.  Those I loved, and loved me in return.  Those I can't live without, and those I wish I had.

Flooded with emotion, and yet feeling nothing at all, I turn each page, each memory, until I reach the end.

"To be continued".

"A work in progress".

And here we are.  Today.  The present love, the present pain.  The present.  Sometimes a gift you wish you could re-gift.  The kind of gift you want to peek at, like the days leading up to Christmas, when you just can't resist but to turn each one over in your hands, and search every closet and under-the-bed-space for the ones not yet wrapped.  How nice it would be to have each moment of love and pain and in-between mapped out in a colourful book... with glossy, easy to turn pages, and graphic representations.  A book of our lives.

A book of our hearts.

.ficklefickleheart.

how fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes

i struggle to find any truth in your lies

and now my heart stumbles on things i don't know

my weakness i feel i must finally show

lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all

bu lend me your heart and i'll just let you fall

lend me your eyes i can change what you see

but your soul you must keep totally free

awake my soul

awake my soul

in these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die

where you invest your love, you invest your life

awake my soul

awake my soul

for you were made to meet your maker.

.little lion heart.

but it was not your fault but mine

and it was your heart on the line

i really fucked it up this time

didn't i, my dear

didn't i, my dear.

Today...

My grandma died today.

Well actually, it was yesterday.

6pm. "Peacefully in her bed".

Peacefully.

Right.

I'm filled with crazy emotions.

We were never close, I haven't seen her in over 10 years.

Maybe 15.

And yet, I feel regret.

I feel loss.

I feel... I feel.

I'm not a crier.

I don't cry.

I cried today.

Today, I cried.

I cried for the relief she must have felt.

In that moment before she was gone.

In the moment before dawning.

The moment before the light.

But was there light?

Was there a dawn?

Did she feel relief?

I cried for my mother.

For the loss she must feel.

For the absence of roots.

The reduction of family.

Does she feel lost?

I think she did before now.

Does she feel more lost than before?

Or has this given her no reason to be found?

Perhaps there is relief?

Who can say...

I cried for my own self pity.

The forgetfulness.

Time taken advantage of.

Regret.

Regret.

My grandma died today.

And I cried.

mantra of the lonely.

indecision rules my life.

This line was saved as a draft months ago.  How true it must be, to still be ringing in my head.

like a mantra.

a sick, self-serving chant.

a self-fulfilling prophecy that never comes to an end.

decide and be stuck.

don't decide, and be forever floating.

in a sea of what ifs, what could bes, what could have beens.
 

what good are these?

these speculations, these hopes, these disappointments.

what good are these when they're all you have.

good enough to live on.

enough to persist.

enough to push on.

depend on.

decide and be defined.

definite.

solid.

predictable.

known.

you can even call me dana if you let me call you alice...

Too good.

Mechanical Psychological Disorder

If given the choice between a robot body or uploading your brain to the Internet, there are a few factors to consider. 

Do I use my human body in ways I could not use a robot body?
Do I use my brain in ways that I could not if it were to be online?
Which is more important, being the smartest person I know and never having to use the washroom, or sharing my knowledge with the world, and therefore becoming of average intelligence, but retaining the ability to dress in stylish clothing?

To me, the obvious answer is to be the smartest person I know, and get a trendy paint job.  I've worked very hard on my brain, and I've never been good at sharing.  Besides, robots never need diets!

.haiku story.

as the day drags on

this feeling of anger fades

to a dull red glow

frustration compounds

deep in the fiery belly

of a sharp tongued girl

her skin is like milk

eyes the shade of sapphire

on an ice cold sea

even she cannot

be saved from the scorching words

of the dragon queen

**side note... blogger deleted my original post before I could publish it... the mood continues....**

the rage continues

to swell and grow inside her

forever winning

**update... one more...**

teeth clenched and gnashing
no longer can be contained
in this empty shell


tears begin to flow
down her porcelain white cheeks
no words can explain