BrainDumpWednesday...

Lately I've been feeling like I chose the wrong major... I am so much more drawn to studies of society and social action than to the confines of the individual mind.

I am currently trying to wrap all my interests into a psychological research project that is innovative, interesting, and makes a difference... but it all seems so small-time.  I can only think in big pictures, large changes, making a DIFFERENCE... not some silly "some people think this way, and others think this way" kind of thing.

I think I have come up with a few ideas I would like to pursue, but they are hard topics to work on in an undergraduate environment.  Brainstorming ideas are:

1. orientation differences in self-estimates of intelligence
• in other words, does sexual orientation have an effect on perceptions of your own intelligence?  There are gender and ethnicity differences... do these extend to orientation as well?
2. effect of orientation in estimates of target intelligence
• do you base some of your estimates of other people's intelligence based on their sexual orientation?  Will people who are presented with the same descriptions of a person, differing only in sexual orientation, estimate the intelligence of these people differently?
3. orientation effects on performance in intelligence tests (i.e. math, spatial, verbal, etc)
• We know there are differences in performance on specific areas of intelligence based on gender (eg. males are better at math, females have higher emotional intelligence, etc)  Does sexual orientation have a significant effect as well?

The one thing that makes me think psychology is truly the right area for me is that I think the biggest changes can be made beginning in individuals... That societal change still begins in the confines of an individual mind.  And helping society can start here too.

Anyway... that's my brain dump for today...

new direction.

When does enough become enough?

When does the heartache have to stop?

How long can a one sided friendship go on with the tears and the heartbreak and the hurt feelings adding and multiplying and exponentially growing until everything inside feels ready to burst?

Why do I have to beg and plead for you to do what I do for you, to want to support me as I support you?

When do I accept that my love has been a given for too long, and now it means less than an acquaintance's first impression?

When do you become the friend I don't need, the friend I can't stand, the friend who makes me feel lower than low when I should feel higher than high?

How can I tell you goodbye when it already feels like you've tossed me farewell...

All around me good things are happening, and I feel like life is moving in a new direction, but at every exciting turn I need your support.  As I have been supporting you through your life changes, good and bad, for over a decade now.  I don't feel that I'm asking for much, just a positive push here, an inquiring question there, with a little bit of time in the middle when I could use your face in the crowd and smile in my heart...

Maybe all these changes are pushing me to cleanse more than my closet.  Perhaps I need to goodwill some relationships too, and continue to keep only those around me who want to have a two-sided exchange; of love, support, encouragement, pride, and everything else that goes with a happy life.  No one needs the friends who can't be bothered to be honest, who leave you last to find things out, who have time for just about anyone but you.  No one needs friends who will break your heart with silence, sneak around in secret, and pretend like they've never done anything wrong in their lives.  No one needs friends who can ignore your existence until it's convenient for them, or until they feel left out of the loop of your life.

What everyone needs is friends who are honest, non-judging, supportive, and involved.  Friends who want you to succeed even when they aren't, and think of you first when presented with an opportunity to better your life.  Friends who help you get ahead, not so that the favour will be returned, but because playing a part in your happiness makes them happy too.  Friends who expect nothing, but receive it all ten-fold because that's how two-way relationships work.  I have some friends like these... and have already cleansed myself of some of the former.  It's time to foster the relationships that create two sided happiness... and inspire us both to be more than we thought possible, but are willing to become with the support of each other.