the future is bright, like the pot of gold ending the rainbow...

Today I feel like such a grown up... putting together a research grant proposal.  Why is it I can never seem to find the adult words to say in these things?

My brain is tired this week.  After resting all of last week, I am thrown into a week of deadlines, exams, and disappointed group members.

Remember when school was exciting and fun?

I try to.  I try hard to remind myself.

I try to remember the future it will bring me.  When I'm an actual grown up, instead of just playing pretend for a day or two, depending on the assignment.  When I will be engrossed in interesting clients and topics and new ideas and inspirations... When I will be helping people.  Truly helping them.

Though, my future seems further away these days... no big plans and exciting talk topics.  Just exams and deadlines and endless busy work.  No talk of places to live and lives together.  Just me and my big future.  Forging on together, and alone, all at once.

Bright future I'll have.  One day, some day... I can see the distant glow.

If only it would hurry up and get here.

.ever after.

You stand before me and I barely know you

is it so easy to leave?

where is the girl who said I was her soul mate?

where is the girl I believed?

climb and escape from those seeds that you planted

you slew all my giants, ignoring your own

now that you're gone I'm left with my courage alone

when did we lose the ever after?

I thought the good guys would triumph

I trusted a hero, I didn't hear her goodbye

I guess it was lost in the talk of a coward

when did we lose the ever after?

you can't be the same girl I followed, thought I'd always follow

you've hurt me more than you know

all that I wanted was you, you were my tomorrow...

...and so I thought I’d let you know that these things take forever I especially am slow but I realized that I need you and I wondered if I could come home...

a letter i wrote to you...

..."

I can apologize for days and weeks and months and years, but I know I can’t undo the pain I’ve caused you.  I’m not asking you to forget, or absolve me of my mistakes.  I’m just asking you to see the profound change you’ve made in me, and let me hold your heart as you hold mine.  I will protect it, and provide for it, and be all it ever needs… because I know our hearts are meant to be together.  I went once, this is true.  But I will never go again.  Please see that I am staying here now, even with almost no hope left, I will not go.  Because this is where I belong… wherever you are.

All I have to give you is all of me.  I can’t make promises and expect you to believe me.  I can only bare my soul and spill my heart and be completely honest with how I feel.  And this is it.

"...

a letter i wrote to you...

I’m not asking you to stay… only to go wherever you are going with me by your side.  Because the only place I want to be for the rest of my life, is wherever you are...

Today I feel like weakness prevails...
This pain in my chest is more than I can bear.

I miss you more than I can say.


My heart hurts...

.one and only.

You've been on my mind, I grow fonder every day
Lose myself in time just thinking of your face
God only knows why it's taking you so long
To let your doubts go
You're the only one that I want
Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close
And have you tell me whichever road I choose, you'll go
I know why you're scared, I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all
You'll never know if you never try
To forgive our past and simply be mine

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
Nobodies perfect
Trust me, I've learned it

I dare you to let me be your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove that I am the one who can
Walk that mile...

.remember.

When will I see you again?

You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said

no final kiss to seal any sins

I had no idea of the state we were in

I know I have a fickle heart

and a bitterness

and a wandering eye

and a heaviness in my head

But don't you remember?

Don't you remember the reason you loved me before?

Baby, please remember me once more

When was the last time you thought of me?

Or have you completely erased me from your memory?

I often think about where I went wrong

the more I do the less I know

But I know I have a fickle heart

and a bitterness

and a wandering eye

and a heaviness in my head

But don't you remember?

Don't you remember the reason you loved me before?

Baby, please remember me once more

I gave you your space so you could breathe

I kept my distance so you would be free

and hope that you'll find that missing piece to bring you back to me

Why don't you remember?

Don't you remember the reason you loved me before?

Baby, please remember me once more

When will I see you again?

i wear my heart on my blog.

Reading back through past posts makes something very clear.

I'm a complete idiot.

There in the pages and pages of words I wrote, my heart's intention and true purpose bursts from the page like bold face size 32 font.

"I'm in love with you and too afraid to say it"

Post after post, I can see both the love and the fear thinly veiled in rhymes and song lyrics and colourful phrases.

Post after post of forevers and perfect matches and futures together... and yet nothing said in the real world.  In the place it truly mattered.  Instead, all just typed and filed and posted for the world to see... behind a computer screen.

It feels like people in Japan and Europe and Massachusetts all know of my love for you... and yet, here I am... alone.  Without you.  All because I was too afraid of what might happen when I said it out loud.

Which, in itself, is completely stupid.

I was afraid you would feel the same?  That maybe you could feel as I feel, love me as I love you?

No.  Obviously I was afraid you would not.

Even though it was clear that you would.  That you DID.

Instead of taking the chance of being happy, I guaranteed I would be the opposite.  All so I could be the master of my emotions.

And so... I am an idiot.

An idiot who has now relinquished control with the hope of being happy.  An idiot who just wants to feel how you make me feel.  An idiot who hopes one day, you'll forgive me... and give me a second chance.  A new chance.  A chance I promise not to screw up, or run from, or be afraid.

I'm ready for my future.

And my future is you.

I love you. For always.

collage of a con.

try to control the pull of one magnet to another.

i miss you now

i guess like you would have missed me then

i'll tell you now

i guess like i should have told you then

i'm not proud that nothing will seem easy about me

i broke down and wrote you back before you had a chance to

a million hours left to think of you and think of that

taken i am yours, i'm up and doing circles

when you felt like this

when you saw it all come crashing down

i saw unfair and so i wrote to you through other means

i let myself finally feel taken, like i was yours

repeat, repeat the words that i know we both have said

i just want back in your head

when i got a little scared, i ran ran ran

remember when i was sweet and unexplainable

strange and likeable

imagine me there my heart asleep with no air

you take a moment, take a year

you took me out and took me in and told me all of this and then

i'm feeling directionless

hope that you'll hear me, know that i wrote to you

keep fighting to remember that nothing is lost in the end

when you burn your life down

cooked up a plan, so good except

i was all alone, you were all i had

i want to draw you a floorplan of my head and heart

give you directions, helpful hints

i want your lungs to stop working without me

i think about writing you, thought about calling you

i hold this pain in my heart forever

don't forget a million miles from me

i lied, i lied to me too

hide from the ones you know will love too

i won't regret saying this thing that i'm saying

it's better than keeping my mouth shut

sugar spell it out

i break my heart around this.