special treatment.

It seems that there is something about me that is really difficult to love.
People like me, sure.
But something makes them need convincing in order to make it any further.
I'm tired of having to talk people into loving me.
Having to talk them into even giving it a chance.
That doesn't make me feel special.
It doesn't make me want to make them feel special either.
I've already spent all my energy trying to convince you to give me a chance, making myself feel less and less desirable and special, and then I need to make you feel even more special on top of that?
How can you not already feel special when I've worked so hard to make you stay?
How can you not see that it drains my energy to fight, to stay positive, to pretend the hurtful things you do and say roll off my back like water from a duck?
What is it about me that makes it so hard to love me?
I want someone to be afraid of losing me... Not terrified of having me.
I want to feel special. Loved. Important. Irreplaceable. Unique. Respected. Appreciated. Understood. Forgiven. Sexy. Listened to. Interesting. Fun. Comfortable. Safe.
Special.

sweater weather.

Sometimes the sadness takes over and all you can do is hide the way we did as kids
Build a fort inside your mind filled with all the memories that haunt your heart
Surround yourself with all the things you can't live without
Like guilt and regret and second thoughts
What if's, could be's, and should have done's

Slip on the melancholy like an old thick sweater and hunker down for a long cold winter

Thinking of you makes my heart sing and sob, ebb and flow, cool and burn

A never-ending roller coaster sailing effortlessly and tirelessly through a life that doesn't know how to live

With or without you, or this darkness, this confusion, uncertainty

On and on until I die, an endless cycle of missed opportunity, broken hearts, empty souls, and meaningless existence

Tethered forever to you

And this sadness

Inside my haunted fort

Wearing my melancholy sweater

The one with my heart stitched tightly on its sleeve.

heartbreak.

You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens.
-Rumi

.first defeat.

It's the first defeat.
Cuts you to your bones.
Knocks you off your feet,
and you discover that home
is not a person or place
but a feeling you can't get back.

Then the second round
throws you to the floor.
Leaves you stutterin'. 
What the hell was that for?
Takes you by surprise
like the bullet you never saw comin'.

This will be the last time.
This will be the last time.
This will be the last time
you take me.

It's the little things
that convince me to stay.
It's your fingertips
and the music they play.
To the beat of my heart,
and the rhythm our bodies make.

This will be the last time.
Honey this will be the last time.
This will be the last time
you take me.

Oh, but you're kissing me again.
Oh, and I can't see it.
You've got a lot of nerve,
throw me out-the way today.
You've got a lot of nerve,
half naked in my bed, 
you said...

This will be the last time.
This will be the last time.

This will be that last time you take me.

be still my lonely heart.

Sometimes the silence overwhelms my heart
And I swear I can feel it at night, in the dark
Wrapped all around me like grandma's old afghan
It can't keep me warm, I do all that I can
To shake it, to break it, to fake it, to make it
But the silence wins, with its deafening chorus
Filling my head with thoughts, most abhorrent
You're useless, you're needy, you're unwanted, you're boring
You're pushy, you're bossy, you're uninspired...
you're lonely.

Found this in my drafts...
》》》》》
I thought I was strong, but you made me weak.
You gave me your heart, and I trembled in fear,
Made all the wrong choices, fucked it up in a year.
Now all I want is to take all your tears and store them away where you can't ever hear the sadness they hold, the mistakes that I made
I wish I could somehow speak for my heart
And say all the things it wants me to scream
But all that comes out is silence.
My heart got fed up, and packed up its things,
Hitchhiked to somewhere, and left its words here
Filling the hole where it's empty in my chest
A tent city filled with all my regrets.
All that remains of the previous tenant,
A note for your heart,
"I love you. Forever. No matter what comes. Just say the word and I'll be yours again. Til then, farewell... til we meet again."

my once strong heart.

You broke me down
As you broke me in
Took my tall walls down
With your lopsided grin
Your easy way and your future plans
Made it sound like maybe I had always been
On my way to you and your oversized hands
You were strong enough to hold my heavy heart
To lift my head and to kiss my face
Gentle enough to break my shields with your hearty embrace
You held me up and together and in
And then you broke it all when you pulled that pin
And all I had released into your arms
Came toppling, tumbling, pouring out
So here I am, just a puddle and a pile
As I run through our story, mile by mile
I hate you and I miss you and I need you and I loathe you
For leaving me here with nothing left
But the rubble and the dust of my once tall walls
And the sad, slow beating of my once strong heart.

a silent takeover.

ticking of a clock.
passing of the wind.

the sounds outside seem so removed and so clear, the silence inside overwhelming. suffocating. crushing.
faces staring from their frames. smiles glaring from the frozen scenes.

these silent and screaming voices. these grey and vibrant images. the cat stares, wonders why i haven't moved in hours. the TV screen flashes blue, desiring signal. transmission. data. mocking my current state, desiring signal. transmission. data.

the silence. it's taking over.

.haunted.

You've haunted me all my life
Through endless days and countless nights
There was a storm when I was just a kid
Stripped the last code of innocence
You've haunted me all my life

You're always out of reach when I'm in pursuit
Long winded then suddenly mute 
 And there's a flaw in my heart's design
For I keep trying to make you mine

You've haunted me all my life
You've haunted me all my life
You are the mistress I can't make a wife
And you've haunted me all my life

And so I wait but I never seem to learn
How to capture your diminishing returns
I still see through the eyes of a child
Not even thinking we could tame the wild

You've haunted me all my life
You've haunted me all my life
You are the mistress I can't make a wife
And you've haunted me all my life

.youplusme.

You and me were always with each other
Before we knew the other was ever there
You and me, we belong together
Just like a breath needs the air

I told you if you called I would come runnin'
Across the highs, the lows and the in-betweens
You and me we've got two minds that think as one
And our hearts march to the same beat

They say everything it happens for a reason
You can be flawed enough, but perfect for a person
Someone who will be there for you when you fall apart
Guiding your direction when you're riding through the dark

Oh that's you and me

You and me we're searching for the same light
Desperate for a cure to this disease
Well some days are better than others
But I fear no thing as long as you're with me

They say everything it happens for a reason...