Monday, March 15, 2010

santa monica.

Okay.  I just have one last kind of depressing post, and then I'm done with that.

I feel most lonely when buying tickets to a show or planning a trip.  Planning and purchasing for one gets old.

That is all!


On a happier note, check out the sweet shoes I designed.

Friday, March 12, 2010

i want the ocean right now.

Neil Sadaka had it right.

Breaking up IS hard to do.

But it's not so much the loss of the relationship that's hard.  It's the realization that the other person is fine without you.  Whether you are fine without them or not, the most devastating moment in the aftermath of a break up is when you realize they don't need you.  The split second it becomes clear they are happy without you... perhaps even happier.  There's nothing quite like feeling that they no longer have eyes for only you, you are no longer the center of their existence, and the world is still spinning and life is still happening for them.

It's a selfish feeling.  It's not like your world ended, or you didn't keep on living.  But for some reason, when you realize they have too, your stomach turns, your eyes water, your throat swells, and your heart breaks just that little bit more.  You go into panic mode and have these crazy ideas like, begging them to come back, forgiving all that was wrong, just to be back on that pedestal... back in the center of the universe.  You forget for a minute that you broke up for a reason, be it yours or theirs, and pretending it doesn't exist won't make anything better, anyone happy.  And the thought of them being gone, truly gone.... well it's about as close to unbearable as you can get.

The post break up whirlwind is full of confusing thoughts and emotions.  Gusts of desperation to see them again, all mixed in with the total anxiety over the possibility of actually having to see them... wanting to call but then wanting them to call you, or not to talk to them at all...  The words you want to say but wish you didn't feel... the words you wish they'd say but know wouldn't help if they did.

So maybe Neil didn't have it right after all.  It's not the breaking up that's hard to do.  It's the aftermath that will kill you.


Tegan and Sara - The Ocean
That about sums it up.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

chchchchanges.

I just found out Girl Talk is coming to Sled Island this year!  Wooooo!  And Everclear is coming to the Back Alley in April!!  Best music day ever!

I had rehearsal last night, and DirT was driving me nuts.  She can be so insensitive about her tone and word choice sometimes, but is RIDICULOUSLY sensitive to how other people talk to her.  It amazes (and frustrates) me how some people can be the person they dislike in others, and not even know it.

Anyway.  Off to write a rehearsal report now.

I got a nose bleed this morning... at work.  So brutal.

**edit**
I just found out the other lady on my two person team at work is getting moved to another team... so now it's just me.  It's about time someone started recognizing who is completing their work efficiently and effectively, and who isn't... But now I'm sitting completely alone with no one around me.  I feel like an orphan!!

...Good thing I have a plant!

Friday, March 5, 2010

.part un.

The sun rose on a grey world.  Even the pink and orange glow of the horizon couldn't bring color to the cool morning.  She awoke by the water, beneath a jagged tree, dripping with grey-green leaves.  The chill from the air was wet, soaking through to her soul, barely pausing at her pale skin.  Consciousness came slowly, like molasses from a carton, as the dreams swirled and mixed with reality, dancing a dark tango through her mind.  Slowly, she raised herself to her knees, surveying the landscape before her.  This waking world was as strange to her as the realm of her dreams. The lapping of the water on the shore seemed ominous and threatening, though soft and slow as a babbling brook.  The lake was no bigger than a pond, and likely not much deeper than her knee.  But something about this quiet, gloomy world seemed to conceal the truth, like a house of mirrors conceals the hallways of the maze.

Behind her rolled miles upon miles of yellow grass, extending to the end of the earth, or at least far enough to assume it must.  Here and there another jagged, dripping tree dotted the horizon, but never more that one or two at a time.  And none so big as the one she currently resided under.  She turned her gaze to the tree, trying to determine where the tree ended and the sky began, and it seemed to her that the height was never-ending.  The tree seemed to extend as far into the sky as the flat land stretched behind her.

A strange feeling overcame her as she stared at the tree mixing with the sky, but the reasoning escaped her.  Something was not quite right in this place, both beautiful and mysterious, calm and foreboding.  She stayed like this, eyes reaching to the sky, mind contemplating the knowledge just barely out of reach, for what seemed like hours, but was probably mere minutes.  There was no measurement of time here, no memento of it passing.

Suddenly, like a crack of lightening, she realized there were no birds.  No sounds besides the water on the shore, no movement among the grass and trees surrounding her.  The lake's slow ripples continued, uninterrupted by fish or insects.  The sky remained blank and grey, with only the faint pink and orange outline of the rising sun.

But the sun wasn't rising either.  The glow remained as it had when she first began pulling the sleep from her mind, blinking open her eyes to this scene she examined now.  She looked toward the horizon again, this time observing what she had merely assumed was the rising sun, to discover the glow was unmoving, and seemed to have no source.  The colors danced on the horizon all around her, no longer suggesting the east as the sun awoke, or the west as it settled into slumber.  Fear swelled inside her, as she began to understand this was like no other place she had ever seen or experienced, a place where the sun rose from all around you, or never rose at all.  She spun around in panic, searching, searching for something, anything, but not knowing what that may be.  Suddenly the lake seemed dark to her, inching closer with each run at the shore.  The tree seemed to be reaching for her, it's branches yawning open toward her, intent on swallowing her up, absorbing her into it's trunk, making her forever a part of this place, trapped in a darkness of roots and bark and soil.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

man's best friend.

I feel unlovable sometimes.  Like, there's something about me everyone knows except me, and they all want to avoid it.  It seems there are things about me that just turn partners off, but then they can't tell me what exactly it is.

...which means it must just be me.

Kind of disheartening, oui?

Sometimes I think I will be alone forever... destined to be this lonely member of society, pretending everyday like it's what I always wanted.

Who wants that???

I need to be loved... I need to be needed.  I need to laugh and cry and celebrate with someone who knows me, through and through, and loves me anyway.

Is that really so outrageous?








....maybe I'll just get a dog.

....

ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH.

That is all.

Monday, March 1, 2010

quarterlifecrisis.

I messed up my shoulder at yoga last Monday, and have been feeling the consequences ever since.  I keep trying to tell myself it's better that I pushed myself and got hurt, than to keep giving a minimum effort just so not to feel the results.  I believe that's true in most areas of life, that you need to push yourself to find out what your capable of... you almost always will surprise yourself.  It's hard to do, and even when it ends out like this (a sprained shoulder) it's still worth it in the end.  I left practice on Monday feeling the best I've felt, feeling like I had accomplished the most yet.  But... it is frustrating that now I can't go to any more classes this week due to my stupid shoulder.

...at least we won at dodgeball.

I wrote this last week and forgot to post, so I'll just keep adding... I'm back to yoga today, hurray!

This week is going to drag by because I can't wait until Friday!  Booked my tattoo for then on Saturday, and I'm stooooooooked.  I'll post a picture.

The Olympics are over, and I feel lost without them.  My point of obsession has ceased to exist. *sigh*

I'm in a weird head space lately.  I'm so confused about what makes me happy, and what I want to do/get out of my life.  I sent in my application to MRU today for September, and my UofC one is still pending.  I'm so afraid of staying here forever, never going anywhere or doing anything.  I feel like I'm running out of time to do the things I want to do... but I don't even know what those are.  I'm scared to make a big change, but terrified of what happens if I don't.  I feel like I've had this ominous cloud of dread hanging over me for years, and I don't know how to even begin to go about fixing it.  I'm trying to do more of the things I want to do, instead of trying to please everyone else all the time.  It helps, but it just doesn't seem to be enough.  Some days I feel fantastic, and happy, and like the whole world is just right... but some days I feel like I'm spinning my wheels, getting more and more stuck in this muddy rut I'm trapped in.

Maybe this is all normal.  Maybe this is just what life feels like.

But I sure wish it felt like the whole world was just right all the time.