.lie like ghosts.

I want to know where my confidence went
one day it all disappeared
and I'm lying in a hotel room miles away
voices next door in my ear

Daytime's a drag, nighttime's worse
hope that I can get home soon
but the half-finished bottles of inspiration
lie like ghosts in my room

I wanna go
I know I can't stay
but I don't want to run

feeling this way
til I am myself again

There's a seat on the corner
I keep every night
wait til the evening begins
I feel like a stranger from another world
but at least I'm living again

There are nights full of anger
words that are thrown
tempers that are shattered and thin
but the moments of magic are just too short
they're over before they begin

I know it's time
one big step
I can't go
I'm not ready yet
til I am myself again
 

I had a dream that my house was on fire
people laughed while it burned
I tried to run but my legs were numb
I had to wait til the feeling returned

I don't need a doctor to figure it out
I know what's passing me by
when I look in the mirror
sometimes I see traces of some other guy

I wanna go
I know I can't stay
but I don't want to run
feeling this way
til I am myself again

til I went nowhere with you...

I'm having a hell of a week, and it's only Monday.

I can't believe how many amazing things happened on the weekend, and how quickly so many things could come together.

Opening of an amazing show, including a nearly faultless preview performance... even with immense amounts of tech and no full dress rehearsal, for a full audience of critics, theatre big-wigs, and press, who graced us with a full standing ovation.  Amazing reviews in the media, and by the end of the weekend, the entire original run and all but 2 shows of the extension were completely sold out.  Nothing can make a stage manager so proud :)

This preview was an audition for myself as well... and landed me a huge opportunity.  I can't believe just 4 days ago I was a proud volunteer stage manager, and now I have a contract for professional (PAID) work!  God.  Such a good weekend.

All of this in addition to the friends I've made and rediscovered in this process, and the discoveries I've made about myself.  I don't even dread my research job as much anymore!  It's a miracle :)

This is the first journal style blog I've written in awhile, and I'm happy it's not a sad one.  I'm not usually inspired to put anything but heartache into words on here, but when you feel like your life is coming together, and stars are finally aligning... how can you resist?

Thank you Monday.  Today I even love you.

exit sign.

I found this in an old journal when I was moving.  I wrote it quite a while ago, but I think it has some promise...

Some days it's so hard

oh so hard to carry on

To think of you with each passing breath

each gulp of air sustaining life

To tie my shoes, to zip my coat

to see your reflection in every smiling face

How can I speak and not hear you

your voice, your laugh, your sweet embrace

I can't help wondering how you've been

where life has led you on your path

and where you're headed next

Will yours cross mine again

or continue on as it has

Forever a dotted white line

between our highways of love

Separate yet parallel

so close and yet so far

An exit sign on the horizon

that no one ever notices

Too determined are we to find our destination

Wherever that may be

Whoever that may be

silence.

where have my words gone?

.fine fine line.

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime.
There's a fine, fine line...

.payphone.

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone
Baby it's all wrong, where are the plans we made for two?

Yeah, I, I know it's hard to remember
The people we used to be
It's even harder to picture
That you're not here next to me
You say it's too late to make it
But is it too late to try?
And in our time that you wasted
All of our bridges burned down

I've wasted my nights
You turned out the lights
Now I'm paralyzed
Still stuck in that time when we called it love
But even the sun sets in paradise

If happy ever after did exist
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairytales are full of shit
One more stupid love song I'll be sick

You turned your back on tomorrow
Cause you forgot yesterday
I gave you my love to borrow
But just gave it away
You can't expect me to be fine
I don't expect you to care
I know I've said it before
But all of our bridges burned down

Now I'm at a payphone...