.this one goes out to the one i love.

Dear,

Yesterday, I was proud. I was proud of myself for holding space for my feelings without allowing them to take me over.  I was proud of myself for holding your needs in equal balance with my own, no one more or less valid and important and real.  I was proud of myself for finding ways within my own control to mediate my anxieties and self-soothe.  I was proud of myself for taking control of my responses and my insecurities and creating a safe space for myself to feel my way through them.  I was proud of myself for seeking out and accepting support.  I was proud of how all of this made me feel calm and safe, and allowed me to support and encourage you.  I was proud of how much I have grown.  I was proud of the steps I've taken from where I used to be.  I was proud of the results of that work.  I was so very excited for you to feel that pride, to be proud of it too, to see how I have listened, learned, embraced, embodied, grown.  How much better these situations could be because of that work.  How I have done these things not only for myself - though it would be untrue to claim I have not benefited - but for our team.  For our partnership.  For our little family.  For us.

Today, I feel angry.  I feel angry that you don't change.  I feel angry that you disrespect me when I am helpless to respond.  I feel angry that you push me beyond my boundaries even when I am tender from expanding them.  I feel angry that I feel like the only team mate in this team.  I feel angry that I eventually reacted, despite multiple attempts to remain grounded.  I feel angry that you chose not to take one of the opportunities I handed you to be my team mate too.  I feel angry that this will be turned into a fight about all the wrong things.  I feel angry that this will be my fault.  I feel angry that I keep trying.

Today, I feel sad.  I feel sad that patterns repeat themselves, even when I try a new approach.  I feel sad that you aren't able or willing to support us through hard times, and can only think of yourself.  I feel sad that you can't celebrate in my growth with me.  I feel sad that you don't hold me as I hold you, and navigate this by my side.  I feel sad that you chose selfishness over my feelings.  I feel sad that this isn't the first time.  I feel sad that I don't believe this would be the last time.  I feel sad that all of the things I was proud of yesterday have been overshadowed.  I feel sad that I feel helpless.  I feel sad that I have no other words than those I've used over and over again.  I feel sad that you can't hear me.  I feel sad that maybe you just won't hear me.  I feel sad that I feel sad.  I feel sad that I keep trying.

Today, I feel alone.

abyss.

lost in the abyss of loving you
but how much of me is left here too?
how much of me is taking over you?
am I asking too much
for you to be lost in here with me too?