.spring forward, don't fall back.

A lot of feels going on in the world right now. With the first official day of summer coming up on Monday, I feel reflective. This spring has felt like a tumultuous time.
Just over a year ago, my whole life came crashing down around me. My girlfriend of 4 years left me (twice), I was close to broke and in debt, I lived alone in an apartment I couldn't afford, and worked a part-time job that left me feeling bored, unsatisfied, and irritable. I had finished my degree, didn't have many friends, and all I wanted to do was sit in the dark alone and wait for it all to pass, or end, whichever came first. "At least it's spring?" people would often tentatively suggest, but the rebirth of the world only made me feel that much more alone in my dark and sad state. Worst of all, I was about to enter my 30's feeling like I was in the worst place I had been in years.
Slowly the tears stopped flowing so freely, and gradually I began to surface and go outside. I started roller-blading (so 90's, I know) along the river path, and would be out for 3 or 4 hours at a time. The sun, the sounds, the sweat all felt cleansing and purifying, like I was slowing rinsing out the pain, the doubt, and the insecurities left behind after heartbreak. I began to feel myself again. I smiled more freely, laughed a real belly laugh, sang along to dorky pop songs, danced in my kitchen. My weird came back. My light shone through. I started to feel curious, and whole. I felt as though the world was my oyster, and even if I still felt sad sometimes, it made me appreciate the joys of life that much more. I applied for, and got, a new job, which inspired and invigorated me. My favourite fairytale couple got married in a perfect fairytale ceremony, and I had the honour of taking the stress of coordination off their shoulders and watching them freely enjoy their perfect day. My own fairytale love story got a new kick-start, but in a much more adult and mature context. I felt like a super hero. I felt like this was the start of the rest of my life, and when my 30th birthday came, I couldn't have smiled bigger. Nothing could have brought me down that day... I was on top of the world.
I share this history because I am hoping it will help me to contextualize the current spring. The top of the world leaves a long way to fall, and I have spent the rest of this year doing just that. My fairytale turns out to be more of a soap opera, I'll have moved twice this spring by the end of this month, and my longest friendship has met it's end. I've lost my light, I've discovered painful truths, and my blinders have been removed. I've been hurt and hurt myself, I've felt the desire to not wake up, I've believed I could never be good again. I've cried until there were no more tears to fall, and felt like I was losing grip on my self-control. I've felt my whole world come crashing down on me for the second spring in a row, in an avalanche that makes the last one look like snowflakes. I have lost track of my own reality - one that was so firmly based in an unbreakable bond that I gave everything to maintain. That bond broke, and I felt myself dangling over an abyss of uncertainty... of who I am, what I want, what I believe, what I love, who I can turn to, who understands me. How many of my memories and truths are based in reality and how many are based in this newly exposed chasm?
It feels insurmountable at times. But just like last spring, that feeling is receding. And at an alarming rate. I feel free in a way... free to reinvent myself, rediscover myself, rebuild myself based in something already loving and real, instead of in a belief that it will one day be those things, if I just hold on a little longer, a little tighter. I smile often. I have re-engaged. I get excited, I volunteer. I socialize, I make plans, I rekindle friendships. I flirt. I feel pretty. I feel interesting, unique, inspiring and inspired. I feel positive and happy. As I pull the wool from my eyes and see my past reality for the first time with clear vision, I can feel my light coming back. Glimpses of it here and there. A joking exchange here. A flirty conversation there. An inspired debate, a philosophical discussion. I feel it shimmering through, just as I did on those days along the river, at the fairytale wedding, on my 30th birthday. The difference is this time, I am finding it within myself. This makes it resurface so much faster and so much stronger; it's harder and harder to dim out.
When the tragedy in Orlando happened, I was shaken. I felt it deep within my core and it rattled something that would normally have come loose. But this new reality I have found myself in, this new glowing discovery, has allowed me to feel that deep pain and loss in a different way. I feel pushed to action instead of scared deeper into my darkness. I feel vocal, and passionate, and empowered not to give into fear and hate. I want to LOVE the pain out of them, because that is the fastest way I have found to heal myself.
I see now that the only true unbreakable bond is between me and myself. No one can threaten that. No one can take that away. And that is where our reality, our truth, our light truly comes from. So yes! At least it's spring. My own personal 30th year spring, where the rebirth of the world is mirrored in the rebirth of me. I'm new and fresh and shiny and open.

I'm free.